A Doctor's Life
by distrahere
Summary: OC, This fanfiction follows the life of Bella Jordan, a doctor at Holby City ED. How will she cope with the challenges that the ED have to deal with, and will her troubled past help or hinder her? MULTI-CHAPTER
1. A New Doctor in Holby

**New Beginnings. **

Hi, I'm Emily, and this is my new fanfiction. The fiction follows the life of Dr Isabella Jordan in the Holby City E.D. I apologise in advance for the typo's and the grammatical errors that I will most probably make. It is not essential to watch Casualty from Series 22 onwards, but it does help to vaguely know the plotline. I have written a large amount of this fanfiction already, but not in chronological order (typical me). Updates should be reasonably regular, but there are bit's I am struggling to write. Any feedback/reviews are gladly revived, I love to improve but I can't do that without constructive criticism.

This chapter is set in the Casualty S22 E1/2 to give you a rough idea of the timing.

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><p>Dr Isabella Jordan walked up to the big double doors of Holby City Emergency department purposefully and took a deep breath. <em>You can do this Bells. <em>She made a quick mental check that she had everything. Her battered holdall was still held by her side, her hair was still contained in it's loose plait and her hands were definitely still shaking. She was nervous, something that it pained her to admit. She'd spent so long trying to be brave and pretend that nothing was wrong that she had forgotten who she really was inside. She checked her pockets for the three packets of pills she knew she was going to find. Reassurance. She frowned, it was her first job in a proper hospital, she'd done a bit of locum work but it wasn't the same as having to see the same people everyday. She was an ex-army doctor, the army had been her home for 5 years and it had been her only comfort. _What the hell am I thinking? _She took a final deep breath and clenched her shaking hands. She made her way to the reception, "Hi, I'm Dr Isabella Jordan, I'm starting work here today."

"Oh, hi, I'm Noel, the receptionist here. Are you the new Trust Doctor, or an F2?"

"Trust Doctor."

"Okay, then you'll want to speak to Harry Harper, I assume you've met him- ah Harry, it's Dr Jordan here."

Harry nodded, he seemed to be distracted. "Of course, we've met." Bella shook his extended hand.

Harry stepped back, "I'm afraid we're very busy today, but then I guess you would like to get stuck in? We've got two F2's starting today, Charlie will give you a tour. Sorry, I've got to go?" And then Harry hurried off. The receptionist shrugged in apology and directed her to the staffroom. She quickly changed into her scrubs leaving a long sleeved top underneath. The senior charge nurse, Charlie, gave her a tour, along with the two F2's. Ruth seemed like a bit of a cow, Toby seemed nicer but didn't seem to know one end of a stethoscope from the other. She got to work in cubicles. And this was where Bella was at her happiest. Every patient was a new puzzle for her to solve. A drunken homeless guy, a trampoline injury, a women with chest pains, two lads who'd been in a fight needing stitches, a girl with chicken pox later and she was reporting to Tess the ward sister.

"Cubicles 4, 5 and 8 need discharging, 3 needs a cast, 2 needs a referral to your Cardiac ward, Darwin is it? And Cubical 10 needs a hostel for a night or two."

Tess smiled. "You work quickly. Notes?"

Bella handed Tess the notes, just as the doors opened and two paramedics pushed a teenage girl on a trolley in. "Okay, this is Ellie, she's 14, found on Green Park way, possible assault. Trauma to the head, stomach and possible broken radius and defence wounds."

Bella motioned to trolley, "Can I take this?"

Tess shrugged and announced to the rest of the team. "Okay then, Dr Jordan is going to take this one."

Bella shouted over her shoulder. "Please call me Bella, guys, Dr Jordan sounds really too official."

With the bomb exploding, the rest of the shift was completely manic, but she did get to know the team that she would be working for. She thought she managed to impress the ward sister, Tess, with the speed at which she got through patients and she didn't think that anyone thought she was a nutter. Maybe a job wouldn't be so scary after all.


	2. Nicknames Like Trouble

This chapter covers themes of drugs, violence, self-harm, prostitution and Mental Health. Nothing that hasn't been covered in Casualty before, but please keep safe. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, it is really appreciated.

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><p>Adam was handing out patients, "Chuckles, cubicle 5..." He handed Ruth a green slip, and pointed her away. "Dracula, try this one..."He shoved Toby encouragingly in the direction of cubicle 6. "Don't hesitate to come and get me if you have any problems. Not." He grinned and called out across the E.D in the direction of Bella, "Trouble, this ones for you!"<p>

Bella rolled her eyes and jogged over. She had come to like Adam, and he liked her. She might even begin to call them friends. He was relaxed, almost casual, but it was obvious that he cared a lot about his job and the patients. She liked his attitude, but the women in the wheelchair who had been singled out as hers looked slightly unnerved. She grinned at him, "The nicknames cool, whatever, but calling me Trouble in front of the patients isn't exactly re-enforcing the whole I-am-a-doctor-and-I-know-what-I-am-doing idea."

Adam grinned back at her with a slight wink, "Well, I thought it would be best to warn them."

She scowled "Sod off." She turned to the patient, in her best reassuring voice, "Ignore him, he actually is joking."

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Bella was actually enjoying working in the emergency department. She got on well with the team. There was Harry the charismatic leader, Adam the joker, Zoe the chaotic drinker who made Bella look organised, Maggie the lovable registrar, Ruth the icy F2, Toby the clumsy one, Tess the strict ward sister, Charlie the calm, collected nurse who never seemed to have been in the E.D forever, Kelsey the chatterbox, Abs the revolutionary, Noel geeky receptionist and Big Mac his wingman. And then there was Bella, Bella who had never thought she would belong anywhere after she left the army. She spent most of her time in cubicles, gaining a reputation for the speed and ease at which she treated her patients but she always found time to be in resus, usually for battered girl. She was in Resus now, a girl had come in with a heroin OD, multiple bruising and old scaring.

Adam had summoned her with his usual, "Oi Trouble, fancy giving me a hand?"

Bella was performing CPR, with Adam managing drugs and Tess assisting. Kelsey was looking through the girls things, "Drugs, change of clothes, wallet- Guilty Pleasure's Massage Parlour?" She raised her eyebrows. "Ah, bus pass, Lesley Parkins. No prize for guessing she's been doing."

Bella frowned, and said between compressions "We.. treat.. not.. judge... right?"

Adam shook his head, "Bella, she's been _asystolic_ for 40 minutes, we should call it."

Bella shook her head. "No. More adrenaline please Tess."

Adam motioned Tess to take off the oxygen. "Bells, she's gone."  
>Bella continued, "Adrenaline. Once more. Please."<p>

Adam sighed, and grabbed Bella's arm. She stopped chest compressions and with one last look at the girls face, and then the clock, "Time of death 0:22."

Adam looked at Bella, her face was lined with a frown. Quietly, so only she and her could hear, "Why do you care so much?"

Bella's frown deepened, "Could have been me." She touched the girls arm, "Living on the streets, prostitution to pay for the smack that your pimp forced through your veins. I know-" Bella shook her head, suddenly furious with herself for letting herself get inside the girls head. She looked up, Kelsey's mouth was an O, Tess looked concerned and Adam's face was unreadable. Bella turned the bleeping monitor off, and walked straight of resus, and the ED.

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She was standing outside, smoking a cigarette with slightly shaking hands when Adam caught up with her. He stood next to her, and for a while they didn't speak. He looked at the cigarette. "I didn't know you smoked."

"I don't, not for 5 years." She frowned, "Six years actually. Am I the E.D's latest hot gossip topic yet?"

"It'd be difficult for you not to be."

Bella smiled, "I always had a big mouth..." Bella rolled up her sleeves, most noticeable to Adam were the the collection of pin-prick marks on the inside of her elbow and then the criss-cross of just white scars that stretched from the wrists upwards. Bella rolled down her sleeves.

"What happened to you?"

"I was an angry kid and then after that I never really recovered. Stupid girl, I should have known... My mother, she killed herself when I was 5 and I never knew my father. I lived with my uncle... I lived with my uncle until-" Bella struggled to get the words out, "And then he sold me to a pimp to clear his debts when I was 12. But I got out, went to college, university, joined the army and it was only then that I began to have issues coping."

"Are you okay Bella?"

She smiled, "I have my happy pills and my psychiatrist. Today's just a bad day." Bella laughed at the expression on Adam's face. "Yeah, I know, I seemed like a normal person. Back away slowly."

Adam joined in with Bella's laughter. Bella stubbed out her fag and prepared herself to face the music.

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The rest of the shift passed by too slowly. Bella tried her best to stay to out of the way of the rest of the department's staff, without much success. She tried her best to ignore the whispers between the nurses, the slight jeers from the porters and the startled looks from the paramedics. She refused to let it get to her. And at the end of her shift, she let Adam and Zoe take her out for drinks and she drank until she could no longer think.


	3. How To Save A Life

Bella was jogging to work, she alternated between running and taking her beloved motorbike, she spotted Abs standing at the bustop. Bella stopped, panting slightly. "Hey Abs, Lazy day?"

Abs grinned, "You know I'm lazy everyday."

Bella returned his smile, "I guess I'll see you in there."

Abs gave her a thumbs up. "Have a nice run."

She passed Toby and Ruth arguing on the way in, she got changed into a scrub top. Her first patient with a young girl with Chicken pox and a mother that liked to over react. Next was a man with a nasty boil that needed lancing, she left that to Toby. And then there was a woman who insisted that she had fallen, more like fallen into a fist by the look of the bruising around her eye. And then came the drunks and their drunken accidents. It was a typical Friday evening shift. A call came in that a doctor was required to administer pain relief/sedation to a young girl trapped after an explosion at a school. Bella was the first to volunteer, snatching the blue boiler suit and white helmet from Harry Harper's arms. She loved going out on call, being on the front line reminded her of her army days.

.

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She got to the scene, the girl was trapped under some gym equipment at the local school, there had been an explosion. Bella surveyed the scene and turned to the nearest fireman, "Is this safe?"

"Floors been cleared, the equipment should be okay when we lift it."

"Should be?"

The fireman laughed, "You don't need to worry about that."

The girl couldn't be moved because part of the wall was being supported by the equipment. Jeff and Dixie were already on the scene. Bella was just beginning to asses the situation, when she heard a rumbling under the floor. "The fireboys said this place was stable, didn't they?"

Dixie nodded.

Bella had both palms on the floor, "It's hot underneath." Jeff touched the floor, "Yeah, I can feel it too."

Dixie called over to the firemen, "Boys, what is under this hall?"

"The basement- all the pipes, the boiler, cleaning equipment. We checked it."

Bella felt the floor again, the rumbling was increasing. "We need to get out now. If it is a fire underneath us, and gas goes up-"

They all stood up and began to move out, the girl began to cry. Bella tried to reassure her, "Don't worry darling, chances are it's nothing-" And then she heard it, the slight calm before what would be an explosion, "-Get down!"

And the floor exploded.

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Once the smoke had cleared slightly Bella took a look around. The good news was that the explosion had cleared away the gym equipment on top of the girl. The bad news was that there was now a massive hole in the floor between Bella, Dixie, Jeff and the firemen, and the girl. Jeff asked the firemen, "Can we get to her from the other side?"

The Fireman Bella had spoken to earlier shook his head, "That side of the building is too unstable, our only hope is to try and get a long enough ladder over the gap, but that may take to long and it might not be stable enough to get her across." The girl had been knocked unconscious by the blast, but other than that she looked unharmed. Bella examined the ceiling , there were a series of bars at reachable height placed at an even distance. She turned to the fireman, "You wouldn't happen to have dual-partate harness and some buoy ropes?"

The fireman looked surprised, but pulled the items from the bag, "Yes, um, why do you want them?"

Bella took them from him and hurriedly put them on. Jeff, Dixie and the firemen looked confused. "What are you-"

Bella grinned, "I used to be in the army. How stable would you say the ceiling is?"

The fireman looked up and saw the bars, and saw Bella's plan, "Miss, I really wouldn't-" But it was too late, Bella was already swinging herself over the flaming gap. Dixie and Jeff began to join his protests. Bella called over her shoulder. "I know what I'm doing. I want 5mg of morphine, and a bag of Saline and Jello ready when I'm back, please."

The fire was so bad now that the team couldn't see what was happening on the other side because of the smoke. Jeff just shrugged, "That girl has guts." and began to prepare the drugs she asked for.

Bella emerged with the girl strapped to her, and dropped down next to them. "Collar and board?"

Dixie looked midly shocked. "Don't you dare do that to me again Bella. You might be ex-army, but that was irresponsible and reckless on so many different levels."

Jeff just looked impressed. "Nice one princess."

Dixie scowled at him. Once the little girl was strapped to the board, they made a hasty exit from the school whilst the firemen tried to put out the fire.

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Back in the E.D Harry Harper was waiting for Bella. "I've heard about your exploits-"

Bella interrupted him, "I've had a lecture from the fire crew and Dixie and I am sure you will say exactly the same thing but I would do it again without second thoughts."

"I was going to say well done for putting your army training to good use, but if you want telling off I think you lacked judgement and need a greater regard for your own safety." He smiled. "Well done." She was about to join him in resus, but her directed her to Abs, "Get those hands seen too first."

Bella smiled sheepishly, only just noticing the surface burns to her hands and followed Abs into cubicle 7.


	4. A Day You Wouldn't Want To Wake Up To

**Hi guys, just a bit more of background on Bella, mostly her an Adam being mates and a bit about her army past. One of the main storylines will start up soon, I just want to give you all an idea about Bella as a character. I've been having trouble with the spacing, it all looks fine until I publish it. **

Bella parked her motorbike in its the usual spot. She frowned, even her beloved Red Harley Davidson failed to make her smile. Today was not a good day, she'd woken up late, forgotten to take her meds. And then she had looked at the date, and remembered why today was destined to be a screw up. Harry Harper noticed her come in. "Dr Jordan, you're late." Bella pretended not to hear. In the staff room, she took everything out of her locker, and then re-organized it, before putting a scrub top on other her waxed leggings and, as usual, the long sleeved top. She grabbed her files off of reception, ignoring everyone except the agency nurse. She wasn't in the mood for conversation today. "You." She said, peering at the name badge. "Elizabeth, are working with me." She shoved the files at her and pointed to cubicle 3. She threw herself into her work, but used a mechanical approach. Name. Diagnose. Treat. Street. Which was an unusual approach for Bella, who was normally told off for getting to involved with the patient.

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She was just getting a coffee from the machine when Adam came up behind her, "Major RTA, multiple casualties on the way." She groaned. "Reckon I have time for a coffee?"

"No. ETA in 2, 3 minutes ago."

Bella sighed, "How many?"

"Dual accident apparently, a school coach, and lorry full of illegal immigrants collided, and 6 cars on the other side decided to crash their cars whilst having a look."

"Just what I need. I've worked 48hours out of the last 60, and it looks like I'm in for another shift."

Adam could see the dark circles under Bella's eyes, "Go home, I'll cover."

Bella shook her head. "And wallow in misery? Today's an anniversary I don't particularity want to remember."

And then the doors opened.

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The patients were coming in thick and fast, another accident had happened, and for some reason St James couldn't take them. "It never rains, it always pours." As Bella was presented with 3 patients at once, and only one cubicle. A black man in a chair with a wound to the head, and two white men on a trolley, with little more than scratches. Bella sighed, and grabbed the notes. "Right, I'll have Mr Durabi," She gestured for the porter to take the man in the chair through. "Sorry, chaps, you'll have to wait."

One of the men on trolleys wasn't too happy, "Why did you choose him I'm injured too."

Bella rolled her eyes, "In case you haven't noticed, it's a hospital. Everyone's injured."

"But I'm on a trolley-"

"No." Bella turned, thinking the matter over, "Hello, Mr Durabi, how are you doing today?"

But the man had more to offer, "Is it 'cause he's black?"

Bella really wasn't in the mood, "He's black? Sorry mate, I hadn't noticed. I'm colourblind you see, I can't tell the difference between black people and white people, I've always thought they were the same. I would swap you over, but he's got a wound to the head which is actually bleeding, whereas you are merely a racist with a bit of gravel in your arm."

Adam, who was passing, snorted with laughter, Tess, attempting to triage patients looked disproving. The man on the trolley opened his mouth then shut it again.

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Bella handed Tess the notes for her patients. "I've done everyone, except for the racist little shit in 3. He can wait for someone else. I've got to be somewhere"

"Dr Jordan, that isn't appropriate language-"

"Save it Tess, by the end of this shift I will have worked 60 hours in the last 72. And I'm not junior doctor. My meds are all screwed up, because they need you to actually sleep to work, so I'm running on nothing here. And it's nearly they end of the day, and I promised someone I'd be at their grave. So if you don't mind me, I'm taking my bike and getting out of here, and I really really don't give a shit about anything else right now. Thank you."

Tess just took her notes. "You go and so what ever you have to do, and get some rest while you're at it. If you don't mind me saying, driving on your bike when you're this exhausted isn't advisable."

"Well then I'll wait for a bloody cab."

Adam had overheard. "I'm heading off, and I have a car. Where'd you need to be?"

"Clifton Hill Cemetery."

"Let's go then. Grab your stuff."

Bella allowed herself a small smile. "Thanks Adam, and Tess, sorry for loosing it."

"Don't worry about it."

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Bella and Adam arrived at the cemetery. "So who's this friend of yours?"

"Captain Harry Mardsen. He was my superior, my best friend, he saved me more times than I can remember. We were comrades for 4 years."

"How did he die?"

"We were behind lines, we called ourselves Mardsens Eagles, we were the best. Top secret operation, no one knew about it except us, some top army suits and the guys at Westminster. I was the medic, they were the soldiers, they went in first." Bella smiled, but it wasn't her normal smile, there was no light in her eyes. "The only time I ever obeyed protocol and let them go in first. The Taliban were waiting, they had no chance. He died in my arms, I couldn't save him. If I'd been a better medic, if I had gone in with them, just all hell broke loose. We lost a captain, and 5 other good men that day. I came home."

"Just like that?"

Bella almost smiled. "No, I was sent home. The army doubted my ability to make judgement calls and sent me off to a mental health clinic. They were right of course, but I was devastated. The army was the first institution I had ever trusted, and it kicked me out. A year down the line and I'm declared fit to doctor people. Sorry, you don't need to listen to this."

Adam shook his head and touched Bella's arm, "I don't mind, really."

Bella smiled, "Cheers Adam, you're a mate."

**Please review, it'll make my week :) **


	5. New Captain For The Ship

I got bored with background, this is the first main storyline that I'm going to cover. There might be a small break between the upload of this and the next one because I keep re-writing it. Thank you to the two reviewers (Gillian Kearney Fan and lollipop781), it made my week :)

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><p>"So what's this about a new clinical lead?" Bella came and sat next to Zoe on the arm of the sofa in the staff room. The two had become firm friends, picking each other up after too many drinks was a common occurrence.<p>

Zoe laughed, "You mean you haven't met him yet?"

"No I haven't. What's so funny?"

"His name is Nick Jordan, any relation of yours?"

"No." Bella shook her head, that would be too much of a coincidence. "What's he like?"

"Massive ego, god complex, typical surgeon, no idea what he's doing down here, Adam thinks he's got some kind of past."

"Typical Adam then."

Adam walked into the staffroom, "Typical me what?"

Bella grinned, "Speak of the Devil … Nothing Adam."

"You were talking about me?"

Zoe stood up, "Just discussing the new clinical lead, and taking bets how long it'll take before you fall out."

"I'll leave that to Bella, I wonder how long it will take for that famous temper to flare up." Adam grinned at her, "Coffee?"

Zoe shook her head, "I'm going to get back on shift."

Bella looked worried, "Temper? I'm not that bad am I?"

Adam pointed to the door, "How long have you been on a break? Go before the new lead catches you lounging around on the sofa."

Bella warned, "This conversation isn't over mate."

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As soon as she was back on the ward, Zoe grabbed her. "Two people involved in an RTC, ETA 1 minute."

Bella nodded, "I'm on it."

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Nick Jordan stood and watch as two incoming casualties came in, he was about to take charge when he decided it would be nice to see how his new team worked without orders. Dr Hanna took the first one with Dr Winters. The second doctor, he assumed must be Dr Jordan (strange they had the same second name) as she was the only doctor he hadn't met yet, quite literally grabbed Dr De Silva by the ear and dragged him with her to resus with the second patient. He watched, impressed, as Dr Jordan worked on the patient. He would have said that the her patient was worse off, but she handled the situation excellently and soon her patient was stable. He had read her file and was mildly concerned about her, but any concerns he had were vanished. He walked into resus and over to the bed, "Nice work there."

Bella turned, and her face whitened. She stammered, "Who are you?"

He grinned, "Your new clinical lead." He held out his hand.

Bella looked shocked, "Umm. Er... Excuse -" Bella was saved by the fact that Zoe's patient stats dropped, Zoe called over her shoulder. "Some help please?"

Bella apologised, "Patient, sorry, introductions later."

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Later, Zoe caught Bella's arm, she could tell that Bella was shaken up. "Are you okay?"

"You got a cigarette?"

Zoe raised her eyebrows, "I thought you didn't smoke anymore"

"Changed my mind."

"What's with this Jordan guy that's made you so jumpy."

"It's nothing to do with him, okay?"

"Whatever." Zoe handed her her pack and her lighter, "I've still got the ones Adam confiscated off you last time. Don't blame me next week when you've changed your mind."

"I might not change my mind this time."

She was on her way out, when Adam spotted her. "Are you okay?"

She rolled her eyes, "Not you too."

"And I thought you gave up the fags." He shook his head.

"Bla bla bla." She stuck her tongue out, and paused at the door, before chucking the fags in the bin. She clenched her shaking hands into fists. She had to sort herself out.


	6. A Couple Of Drinks Later

Bella was drunk, not just tipsy, but really, really drunk. Adam had just gone home with some slapper, she had tried to tell him what a bad idea that was but couldn't seem to organise the words in the right order. Abs had just got into some fight with a bloke who'd tried to persuade her to go home with him, and got himself kicked out. She tried to follow him, but ended up sitting on the floor. She couldn't remember what happened next, it all seemed like a blur.

And then she was waking up, by the position of the sun, she guessed it was about 11am. She looked around, she'd been sleeping in the doorway of someone house, 15 Parkway Rise. She did a quick self-assessment, no broken bones, no obvious injury- she was just stiff. She was still wearing clothes, shoes and, remarkably, no one had stolen her bag. She opened the tattered holdal that she always carried and pulled out her phone, 11:30. She swore. She was due in E.D in 15 minutes for the start of her shift. She stood up, and then sat straight back down again. She was wearing her heeled boots, there was no way she could walk to the hospital. She watched a man leave the house over the road, walked across the street,

Bella stood up an called over, "Hey, do you think you could tell me how far am I from the E.D."  
>The man paid no attention to Bella, not that she blamed him, she probably looked like a prostitute. She muttered to herself, <em>those were the days, eh. "<em>Hey, can you just tell me where I am?"

The man stopped, turned towards her and collapsed. Bella rolled her eyes, _no no no no you don't, _how typical, and tottered over to the the man. No breath sounds, no pulse. She balanced her phone on her shoulder, began CPR, and rang 999.

After 5 minutes the ambulance got there, good thing really. Bella's arms were getting tired. Dixie jumped out. "What are you doing here?"

Bella shook her head, "I don't even know who he is, he came out of that house and collapsed in the street."

Dixie began to bag him. "Defibrillator please Jeff."

Jeff came out of the back of the ambulance and wolf whistled. "Bella, what have I told you about knocking men in the middle of the street, not that you had many complaints, I guess."

Bella frowned, she was wearing a extremely short and tight dress. "Shut up and pass the defibrillator Jeff. "

"What have you been doing?"

Bella took the defib. "I wish I could remember. Last time I go out for drinks with Abs and Adam. Charging to 200."

Jeff grinned, "One of those one then."

"Clear."

Dixie nodded, "He's back in sinus, lets get him in. You want a lift?"

"That would be wonderful, yes please, you have saved me a serious bashing by Jordan."

The partient arrested in the carpark, and Bella started CPR. Nick Jordan stood by and watched as Dixie and Jeff wheeled the man in. Bella was knelt on top of trolley. "Dr Jordan, what- You're late."

"I was just on my way to work but then a man collapsed in front of me. Funny how these things happen."

"And you were planning on wearing that to work."

Bella was wearing a tight, long sleaved wrap around zip dress and platform boots. Her masccara and eyeliner was smudged and her hair looked unintentionally back-combed, "I've got my clothes in my bag."

"You haven't seen Dr Truman, or Staff Nurse Denham, on your travels?"

"Not since last night." Bella lowered her voice to a mutter, "...sir."  
>"What was that?"<p>

"Nothing that you were meant to hear."  
>Nick Jordan gave the doctor a strange look. Technically she was brilliant, perhaps the best doctor he had, but her attitude to him was awful. "Really? Off the trolley and get changed into some more appropriate clothing, and you can work what you missed of your shift at the end of it."<p>

Bella stomped into the staff room, wobbling slightly on her platforms. Kelsey smiled, "Nice boots. Shame Mr Jordan wasn't impressed."

"It's not like I'm even that late, and I bought a patient in too. Can you unzip me?"

Kelsey pulled the zip on Bella's dress. Bella turned quickly to prevent the nurse from seeing scars on her back. "Cheers Kels, you should probably go, don't want to get you in trouble too." She changed quickly into her usual attire, brushed her hair and placed it into her usual plait and removed her makeup. She tried not laugh as Adam came in late and received the same lecture from Mr Jordan. Bella caught up with him between patients. "So, what happened last night?"

Adam shrugged, "I woke up with a strange woman in my bed."

"Do I remember her?" Bella frowned, much of last night had faded to a blur. "I woke up in a doorway of a random house... not quite sure how or why..."

Abs had creeped up behind them. "And I woke up in a police cell."

Bella examined his black eye and broken nose with interest. Adam patted him on the back. "You didn't look like that when I left."

Bella shrugged, "Sorry mate, I really can't remember much on from the first drink."

Abs laughed, "Don't worry, I'm having a similar problem."

"Dr Jordan, I want you in resus today." Bella ignored Mr Jordan. "Now."

Bella rolled her eyes. "He's like a bloody hawk."

Abs shook his head, "You could make you dislike for him a little less obvious. You're just winding him up."

Bella pursed her lips, "Maybe I enjoy it."

"Can I have 10mls of Exytolmol Charlie?" Nick and Bella were treating a woman in resus.

Bella frowned, "What about Indiomol? Extolmol is a new drug, it hasn't been tested on pregnant women, and we haven't done a test. What if she's a drug user? And Indiomol's just as effective."

"Actually, Exytolmol has been proven to be much more effective in women."

Bella tried not to roll her eyes, "It's 'proven' that voting labour means you're at a higher risk of cancer according to yesterday's paper, Exytolmol is more risky if you don't have a full history."  
>"I am the clinical lead, and I have just made a clinical decision, time is of the essense here. Can you call theatre and tell them that Mr Jordan has a patient for them?"<p>

Bella made as if she was going to argue again, but Adam put a warning hand on her arm and muttered in her ear, "Head down Bells, remember?" She sighed and went to do as she was told.


	7. The Truth Will Always Out

I'm still not quite happy with this chapter, and I haven't written the next one yet, so there might be a small delay. If you haven't guessed what was about to happen, here it is. :) Please review, it means a lot to me.

…...

"What the hell do you think you were doing? Never, ever undermine me like that again." Nick Jordan pased up and down his office.

"I didn't undermine you, I don't recall being told not to perform a laparotomy. The patient would have died without one, I'd done one before, a bullet in the same place. It was a damn sight easier in there because there was the added bonus that I wasn't being shot at." There had been a shooting a Bella had been instructed by Mr Jordan to take the lead on a patient. No surgical team was available and Bella didn't like loosing patients. She had performed a laparotomy and saved the patients life, something that Mr Jordan seemed to have forgotten.

"It was irresponsible, it was unnecessary-

"I saved his life, that's what we do."

"That's not the point, it could have easily- Are you even listening to me?"

"Nope." Bella looked vaguely bored

Mr Jordan stopped pacing, "You really don't like me that much do you?"

Bella raised her eyebrows, "Wow, you paid attention in your Psych module."

"They say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Dr Jordan."

Bella remained remorseful, "And I wasn't being sarcastic."

"What's your problem with me? You're a brilliant doctor, and I want you in my team but your attitude leaves a lot to be be desired."

Bella just laughed, it was a cold laugh, deviod of humour. Something in the doctors eyes unselttled Nick. He had read her file and knew her history, something that had initially concerned him, but her skill as a doctor had reasured him that Bella Jordan had a hold on things. She was a likeable person and the rest of the E.D staff seemed quite protective of her, even though she had not worked there that long.

Bella stopped laughing, and spoke slowly in a whisper that was almost as concerning as the laugh, "You know the worst thing is that you have no idea. No idea what so ever about what you have done."  
>Nick frowned, slightly worried now, "What have I done?"<p>

Bella looked at the floor, "You're my father."  
>"Impossible. How-"<p>

Bella interupted him before he could even finish his sentence. "Does my name not mean anything to you? Isabella Jordan. Do you not remember?"

She pulled a crumpled photo out of her pocket, it showed a girl and boy holding hands. She had meant to pass it to him, but years of feeling alone resenting this father who never cared boiled over. She threw it at him and marched out of the room, straight to the doctor's office, ignoring Tess, Toby and Abs as she walked past.

Nick Jordan picked up the photo. As soon as his saw it his hand flew to his mouth, "Oh Maria, forgive me."

.

.

.

"Come on Bells, what is it? Something is wrong. Don't worry about the laporotomy, Mr Jordan is only annoyed because it was the right call and you pulled it off, so he can't officially discipline you." Adam was stood in the doorway of the office he, Zoe and Bella shared.

Bella was sitting on the floor of the of the Doctors office, as she quite often did. She seemed to have a problem with sitting on chairs. She was tapping the pile of paperwork beside her with her fingernails. She was deep in thought. "I shouted at Mr Jordan."  
>Adam nodded, "Okay, as I said, I wouldn't worry about it, he has no grounds to discipline you on-"<p>

"This isn't about the laporotomy." Bella paused, "He's my father. I think he's my father. I don't know anymore."

Adam was silent as he processed the information. "And you confronted him?"

"Yeah, in the kind of way that makes you lose your job."

"Oh Bella,"

"I don't think it was that bad, I can't quite remember what I said. Bit of a manic episode..."

"What did he say?"

"I didn't really hang around to ask, if you get what I mean."

"Are you okay?"

"I don't know. But I need to know. I think I want to know to. All my life I've never really know who I was. I'm going to sit here and think, can you cover for me?"

"Of course." Adam left the room. "Bastard." He muttered to himself.


	8. Things You Thought You'd Forgotten

Jeff and Polly pushed the trolley through the door of resus. Tess beckoned Bella over, "Dr Jordan, can you take this one?"  
>Bella nodded, already focused on the patient. He was unconscious. She grabbed his hand intending to check for needle marks, but her attention focused on the tattoo on his arm. It was an army tattoo, Bella had one on my ankle. She looked up, but the next thing that caught her eye was the camouflage trousers. She blinked, suddenly finding herself in another place, another time.<p>

_Marsden was leading and, as usual, I was right behind, watching his back. We were edging along a ridge, the militant camp we were scouting was right below. We were a special, behind the lines, unit, hand picked by Marsden. We were the best, we trusted each other completely. Each of us would die for another, for our country, without a question. Marsden whispered to me. "All clear so far kid." I had been fretting about mines earlier. I ignored him, after all, we were supposed to be being quiet. Kid was his nickname for me, as much as it annoyed me, I did kinda like it. Although I was not the youngest or newest member of the eagles, I was the most inexperienced. Mardsen could have had nearly any Medical officer, but he saw 'potential' in me. And I had to do him proud. He was the first real father figure I'd ever had. We were nearly there. And then Kirby, the youngest of our team, cried out. "Get down, Guns 7o clock." We got down, and were had our guns ready, but not before the first shots were fired. _

Adam nudged Bella on the arm, and then she was back. "Bella?"

"Sorry, what did you say?" She shook her head in attempt to clear it.

Adam shook his head, he'd never seen Bella so distracted. "Just take a look at that leg."

The camouflage trousers had been cut away by Tess which left Bella more was able to focus, and once she was in 'the zone' not even the tattoo could distract her with memories of times past by.

.

.

.

As soon Bella could, she got herself out of Resus and back into the noisy E.D. The bustle of other people usually helped to focus her mind. Then, 2 trolley's pushed through the doors, bang bang. She was struggling today. And then she was back.

_Gunshots, my ears are ringing. Explosions, my eyes start stinging. "Man down!" And now the gun shots are mixed with the sound of human pain. It's Stitch, gunshot to the chest which would be salvageable if we weren't still being shot at in the middle of a desert road. Which was unusual, 9 times out of 10, the enemy would clear off once the initial strike has been made. I give the order for cover, and soon I'm at Stitch's side. _

Bella blinked, Toby was looking concerned. "Earth to Bella?"

"Sorry mate, you were saying?"

"I have a patient in 5, I'm not sure what's wrong, can you take a look?"

"Is that the aggressive man that was shooting his mouth off in reception this morning?"

Toby looked sheepish. "Maybe."

Bella nodded, "So you need babysitting?"

"No- I-It's not that."

"I'll be with you in five, and you owe me a drink."

.

.

.

I joined Toby in the cubicle, he was timidly trying to persuade a large heavily built man to let him manipulate his shoulder back into place. Bella's presence in the cubicle helped, but it didn't prevent the slightly drunken man from waving his non-dislocated arm around and hitting her in the face. She fell backwards.

_"Marsden, we need to get him out of here."_

_"Negative Bells, you'll have to open him up here. Radio in Buds, were in a bit of trouble here. Clifton and Buds cover Bells. Chewy and Mike on flank. Everyone else bunker down. We're in for a long one here. Joey get down here with me."_

_"Affirmative Captain." As Buds radioed in, I pepped Stitch for a laparotomy. I could see in of their men, he had a gunshot wound to the leg. I hated not being able to help him, he didn't look a day older than 17. All the same, he had much better survival rate than what I was about to attempt with Stitch. Stitch was a mate, a well liked comrade. We'd both been in Squadron 12 with Marsden before the Eagles was formed. Loosing him wasn't an option. _

Bella was muttering as she came round. "Stitch... Marsden... Fly... no time...cover."

Toby and Charlie where leaning over her, "Bella, Isabella, can you hear me?"

Her eyes fluttered. "Ugh, what?" She was lying on the floor.

Charlie helped her sit up. "You got a knock on the head, and that will probably need stitches."

"Brilliant, that's going to hurt in the morning."

"Come on, we'll get that looked at." Charlie helped Bella up, and Toby went back to his patient who was slightly more agreeable this time round.


	9. I Really Don't Know You, Do I?

"Dr Jordan. Isabella, can we talk?" Nick opened the door to his office. Bella reluctantly followed him in. She needed to stop being childish. "Only if you promise to call me Bella." Well, maybe she could be a little childish.

"Bella." Jordan paused, rolling the word off of his tongue. "I really don't know you do I?"

"No. You don't."

"I need to explain-"  
>Bella turned her back to him. "I don't want to hear any explanation, all my life, everything could have been different."<p>

Nick was silent for a while. "I didn't know- I never went back- I" He tried to explain. "I was only 16, I couldn't-"

"My mother was only 15, she didn't go swanning off to England and college and med school... She killed herself. I was five when I found my mother lying in a bath full of her blood. And she was sick long before that, I don't remember a time when she was okay. But then I don't remember much of her."

"Isabella, I am-"

Bella turned around, her eyes flashing. "Don't you dare apologise to me."

And the look on her face caused Nick's stomach to twist. She looked so like her mother that he didn't understand how he hadn't seen it before. "I should have looked for you-"

"Yeah... too late now Nick Jordan. That opportunity passed you by a long time ago. I'm not a little girl any more. I've done things and seen things that would make your skin crawl. I almost wish I could show you them, because then you could understand my pain."

Nick's voice was tortured, "Tell me."

Bella smiled a bitter smile. "As if you could ever feel the way I feel."

Nick repeated himself, "Tell me."

Bella looked at the floor, "I lived with my Uncle Jerry. He periodically mentally, physically and sexually abused me. And then when I was twelve and the balliffs had taken everything else he sold me to the local pimp to clear his debts. And then I was a prostitute. I did smack, I self-harmed, I drank myself stupid, I did anything to forget who I was. It didn't work. So after I had my second miscarriage I stopped with the smack and enrolled in some night classes. And I went to medical school, the army paid for my fees. And then I went to Camp Bastion and then I went to Afganistan. And it was there I made myself into who I am. Until my Captian got shot and I couldn't save him and I had a mental breakdown. The army discharged me and I spent six months living in my mind... And here I am." Bella looked up at him. He wouldn't have minded if he could see anger in her eyes, anger was what he deserved, but the look of disgust was worse. "You could have been there, I charge you with that."

"Bella-"

"No. I want a blood test. I- I need to be sure. And then you can go. That's what you do best right? When the going gets tough, Nick Jordan get's going. I've heard all the stories, and I don't care. I won't expose your secret, I would be ashamed to call you my father." Bella produced a blood sample and shoved it towards Nick. He was stunned. She didn't wait for him to recover the power of speech, she just left.


	10. Final Result

Thanks for reading :)

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><p>Bella was perched on the nurses desk, going through her mail. She muttered to herself. "Boring, junk, boring, boring."<p>

Jessica laughed, "You should probably read them before you bin them."

"Yeah, yeah. You can normally tell the content of a letter from the front of the envelope. Take this one," she produced a brown envelope, "It's addressed Dr Isabella Jordan, so it can't be anyone that knows me very well. If you look on the back, it has a return address printed, so it's not a personal letter. It's not an internal letter, the hospital use white envelopes. From the weight of it, I'd guess it contains a booklet or a leaflet. The return address is Haddon Services, which I happen to know are the a drugs company. If it's a leaflet from a drugs company, it'll be junk. Simples."

Jess shook her head. "Very clever Sherlock."

Bella grinned. "Elementary my dear Watson. Just basic observation skills, it's an army thing."

"You'll be putting them through x-ray to check for explosives next."

"I'm pretty sure they do that at the Royal Mail anyway..." Bella had come across a white envelope, labelled as from Genetic Department at St James. She knew what that was going to be. She took a deep breath and opened it, if she put it off then she would never get round to doing it.

_DNA test result: POSITIVE._

_The results show that there is a 99.999% chance that Nick Jordan is the parent of Isabella Maria Jordan._

Bella nodded to herself, she had guessed as such. Her mother was a lot of things, but from what Bella could remember, she never had more than one man on the go at the time. She screwed up the paper and threw it in the chemical hazard bin.

Jess tutted, "Don't let Mr Jordan catch you wasting our valuable resources by using the chemical hazard bin for personal rubbish."

"Yeah, but throwing it in there means that no one will read it."

"Ooh, that sounds serious. Don't tell me, a letter from one of your army friends containing information which is highly dangerous in the wrong hands." Jess had put on a mock American accent.

"Ha Ha very funny."

Tess marched over. "Any chance of you two doing any actual work today? And Dr Jordan I have told you before. The nurses station is not a seat."

Jess and Bella both apologised and went back to work.


	11. Just Another Day

Bella was treating a young woman, only 17 but she had a 3 year old child already. She had a black eye, a broken wrist and several previous injuries. She was talking to her, the woman was obviously frightened and most probably being abused, when a young man burst into the cubicle. The woman shut up immediately, but the little girl ran towards him shouting."Dadddddyyyyy!"

The young man picked her up and spun her around. "Hello princess, what's mummy gone and done to herself?"

Bella's breath caught in her throat. "Done to herself? These injuries are not self inflicted Mr-"

"Call me Johnno."

Bella nodded, "Okay, John."

The man ignored Bella's remark, instead returning to her questioning, "Is my Callie okay?"

"I would say that Callie will make a full recovery. However we need to-"

'Johnno' nodded, "Excellent. Get your stuff Cal. We're going."

Bella stepped forward, "No, I am afraid that's not advisable John, we need to-"

John ignored her, "I don't care what's advisable, I'm taking my girlfriend and daughter home. NOW!"

Charlie rushed into the cubicle, the raised voices had attracted attention. He took one look "Is there a problem here Bells? Alice get security-"

Bella held her hand up, stepping forward again. "I've got this Charlie, honest."

The man was still shouting. "The only problem here is that this doctor won't let me take my girlfriend and my daughter home."

Bella stepped in between Callie and her boyfriend, trying to keep her temper. Charlie gave her a warning look - Bella was famous for her short temper, especially in the case of domestic violence or cases involving young women at risk - so she took a deep breath before speaking. "John, your wife has suffered a head injury and before she is discharged she needs a C.T scan to check if she has any injuries to the inside of her head."

John shook his head, "She looks fine to me."

"And you've been a doctor for how long?" Bella received another warning look from Charlie.

John moved to get past Bella, the young woman, who had remained silent throughout the exchange, spoke up. "Leave it Johnny, please?"

John snapped, "Shut your face. This doesn't concern you. Just get your stuff, we're going as soon as the stupid cow has got out of my way."

Bella showed no sign of moving. "Callie, you do realise that you're under no obligation to do anything-"

"Of course she does, she's my wife. Now move."

"I don't think so. I have a duty of care to my patient, just because your her wife doesn't give you the right to do what ever the hell you want with her."

Charlie sighed.

"You what? Do you know who I am?" The man stepped towards Bella, who didn't flinch.

Charlie called outside the cubicle. "I think we need security in here."

Mr Jordan, Alice, and Big Mac came running into the cubicle to watch John take a lunge at Bella. Bella caught his hand and in one smooth movement pulled it over his back and pushed him against the wall. Nick looked shocked, "What _is_ going on here?"

Bella smiled slightly menacingly, still holding John against the wall. "John and I here are just having a nice little chat about how he abuses his wife while we wait for security, aren't we?"

John swore.

Bella shoved him closer against the wall. "Alice do you fancy taking the kid to do some colouring some-place other than here?"

Security rushed in, late as ever, and took John out. Bella relaxed and turned to see Charlie, Kelsey, Mr Jordan, Big Mac and two agency nurses standing watching with their mouths slightly open. "What?"

Charlie shook his head, asked Bella if she was okay, before moving away to other patients. Big Mac and Kelsey had seen it all before too an after a quick giggle hurried off.

"I am treating a patient here you know?"

Mr Jordan stepped back slightly "Dr Jordan, I would like to have a word-"

Bella ignored him and shut the cubicle curtain. "With a patient."

.

.

.

Bella was filling in some paperwork when Mr Jordan called her over. She pretended not to hear for the first couple of times he said her name before rolling her eyes at Zoe and going over.

Bella frowned, "And? You wanted to speak to me?"

"Did you get a letter?"

Bella didn't see any point in lying, "Yes."

Nick nodded, "And?"

Bella shrugged her shoulders sarcastically, "What do you expect me to do?"

Nick sighed, "I want to apologise, I want to make up for lost time-"

Bella shook her head, Maybe it's too late for that. I didn't want to find you and I've never missed you in my life."

"But you wanted a DNA test-"

"Maybe I was just curious." Bella made as if she was going to leave but Nick interrupted her, "Wait. That stunt with the man in cubicles. I don't want a repeat, it was irresponsible and-"

"Please don't pretend you care any further than the health and safety form-"

"I do care, I want to apologise-"

"And I don't want to hear this. We're colleagues, you're my boss and I don't want any preferential treatment. We stay out of each other's way unless it has clinical importance. Okay." And the E.D doctor turned on her heal without a deep frown plastered across her face. Nick Jordan seemed to be genuinely regretful, something that didn't with what Bella had heard about him, or her personal experience of 'his type'.

.

.

.

Adam had noticed that Bella had been a little bit distracted today, she had taken more time than usual to make decisions and her expression had faded into the depths of her mind too often to be healthy. Bella was normally good at hiding her feelings, but today concern had been written all over her face.

He sighed, "What is it?"

Bella's lips barely moved, "Jordan."

"Are you okay?" Adam was worried by the unusually serious look Bella's face.

"I don't know Ad, in one hand there's all these rumors about blaming colleagues for his mistakes, but he actually seems like a decent guy. And I can normally tell when someone isn't being straight with me."

Adam agreed with that, Bella had an uncanny ability to tell when she was being lied too, and was normally a good judge of character. However, he really didn't like this Jordan guy. "I don't like him."

Bella smiled lightly, "Yes, but you do have a general problem with being told what to do."

Adam raised an eyebrow in response, "And you don't?"

"No, I just enjoy making life difficult for myself. He is my father, and you only get one of them. I could give him a chance." She frowned again, "Only one mind, don't want to be too generous."

Adam laughed, the Bella he knew was back. After a short pause, Bella joined in.


	12. I'm Not Calling You Daddy

Nick Jordan was sitting in his office, tapping away at his emails when Bella knocked on his door. "Busy."

Bella came in anyway, and sat down on the sofa, Nick carried on typing. Tensions had been strained between the two doctors, they had mainly ignored each other, unless absolutely necessary. Bella broke the ice. "I forgive you, you know."

Nick looked up, surprised. When Bella had entered his office, first surprised, and then worried. He'd been on the receiving end of Bella's temper more than once. "Why?"

"I thought it over, and I probably would have done the same thing in your position. Probably. To be honest, we can't keep this ignoring each other, we have to work together. And I've just had my happy pills so I would forgive anyone right now."

"I am," He paused. "Sorry about-"

"Don't, I'm... I'm sorry too, I've deliberately been making your job hard for you in a silly and childish attempt to justify my life."

"Thank you." And he meant it. He didn't think he would ever have had it in him to forgive himself if she hadn't forgiven him. And if their positions were reversed he would have never have spoken to her again.

And then Bella smiled, it was a curious thing to watch her face light up in reference to something that he had said. His daughter. "I'm not calling you Daddy, Dad or any of that crap though."

Nick nodded slowly, finding the moment slightly surreal. Desperate to keep the jovial mood going, he gestured to the chess board set up on his desk. "You play?"

"Yes. I've- never mind, you don't want to hear that story."

"I do."

Bella shook her head, "It's not fairytale." She sighed. "The Eagles weren't the conventional army unit, we broke a couple of the rules, but we got the job done-"She smiled, "I'd probably be breaking the official secrets act telling you any more than that..." And then she frowned, "We got into a bit of a sticky situation, we were caught behind lines on the lands of a mad Afghan war lord. And I mean mad. He essentially said that we could play him in a game of chess, or die. None of us were up for dying, so we agreed. We didn't realise that we would be be the pieces and the board would be a mine field... we were lucky, most of us got out of their alive..." Her eyes glazed over slightly. "We were a high risk unit, we knew the score. We were chosen because we were good but also because we had no one. Most of the time I loved it, behind enemy lines and making a real difference every day. Losing a patient is hard but when they are someone you trust your life with daily, when they are a friend-" She frowned, "My shift starts in a minute, I should get going."

Nick nodded, he was still struggling to process the events of the last five minutes, "There's just one thing, you took my name. Why?"

"It was the only thing I could have of yours." Bella turned to leave, and then remember what she was holding. She handed the thick book to Nick, "I found this last night, thought you might want it, I don't. See you around Nick Jordan."

And Nick was left the holding the book, unable to get out a word of goodbye. He examined the object. It was a sort of scrapbook with photos in. Isabella Maria Jordan was inscribed on the front in a delicate cursive. He opened it. On the first page - a baby photo, one of the ones the hospital takes for you. Written next to it, in Maria's writing, Isabella Maria Jordan. 21/04. The baby had blue eyes and a huge tuft of brown hair. The next photo, Maria in the hospital bed holding a sleeping Bella. Nick touched the photo lightly, caressing the faces that he had thought of each morning for the whole of his life. And now he had found his daughter and discovered that Maria was dead. It was captioned in the same blue biro that the fist photo had been as 'Issie's first and last full sleep through the night.' Then there was 'Issie' taking her first steps, 'Issie' asleep with a dog, 'Issie' on her first birthday, 'Issie' playing dress up, 'Issie' at the park. 'Issie' at the beach, age 2. The photos stopped abruptly, there was only 1 photo for 'Issie' aged 3-4 a sad solemn looking child, holding a teddy and wearing just a grubby looking shirt. She looked much older, and a lot skinnier. There was no caption. Then there was a photo, in a different hand writing and a different pen, of a slightly bemused child, blowing out the candles on a cake. 'Isabelle's 5th birthday at Drakes Temporary care home.'

Then came a series of school photos of a skinny, solemn child with wide eyes. The school years were written in in clumsy handwriting, which got neater as the child in the picture got older. It was the same blue biro. Nick recognized the handwriting, it was a variation of his own. There was only photo for secondary school, the child in the blazer was unmistakably Bella. She was sporting a fading black eye and the remains of a split lip. Other than that, it could be mistaken for a normal set of school photos. Paper clipped to the page a photo of Bella and a man that Nick vaguely reconsigned as Maria's brother. Uncle Jerry.

The next page was quite empty, Bella smoking a joint, not quite looking at the camera. She wasn't at all recognizable as the girl in the school photo's, or the Bella today. If it wasn't for her chocolate-honey eyes gazing out at him, he would have assumed it was another girl. The next photo was of an older man with his arms around two girls, one of them was Bella. It was labeled Bella, Darren and Rosie, again blue biro. She looked skinnier, wilder and more unrecognizable than ever. The penultimate item was a photo strip from one of those booths that you get at the pharmacy. It showed 5 girls the oldest looking about 25, Bella herself looked about 18, but the picture was dated on her 14th birthday. And then the last, a polariod of Bella beaming, the only photo where she looked truly happy, waving some paper in the air. It was labeled in a neat black ink 'Holby college, 4A's, med school here I come.'

And then there were quite a few of her in her uni years, parties, clubs, the lot. They were the most normal photos, but in every single one she looked lost or slightly distant from the rest of the people. Her eyes would be looking not-quite at the camera, the smile wouldn't be accompanied by light in her eyes or her face would be lined with a frown.

The next page held 6 photos. One for each year of her in an army squadron. Bella looked solemn and serious, but there was a mischievous glint in her eye. Two of them had official names: Royal Medical Corps, 2nd Medical Regiment, 7th Armoured Brigade, the next 4: Mardsen's Eagles. The only informal photo of Bella from her Army days was a faded picture of her and an older man, wearing the Captain's stripes, ruffling her hair. The affection in the older man's eyes was clear and the amusement in Bella's showed that they probably had a strong bond.

And that was it, not a lot to show for a life but Nick felt much closer to his daughter for seeing them. He also felt more worse. Each photo was a memory, something which he could have, he should have seen. Her birth, her first steps, her first holiday, her first pet, her first day at primary school, her first day at secondary school... and those were just the snapshots, there were thousands of other moments that he had missed through the misguided selfishness of a schoolboy who wanted something more and in turn he had missed the most important thing. And it wasn't him who had suffered the most. If he had been there...

But there was still hope. For every photograph from her past, there could be a hundred more in her future. Their future. At least he had been given that chance...

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><p>ew soppy fluffy nick I love you<p> 


	13. You Can't Keep A Secret For Long

Thank's to Gillian Kearney Fan's review, really made my day :)

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><p>The E.D is quiet for once, a few patients were waiting to see doctors, but they were just run of the mill can't-be-bothered-to-go-and-see-my-gp patients. In fact both Nick and Adam were standing around waiting for results to come from the lab. Nick frowned, one thing was bothering him, "Dr Truman, have you seen Dr Jordan this morning?"<p>

Adam shrugged, "No, maybe she's late."

Jess handed Nick some files with a grin in Adam's direction, "Regular occurrence, in case you hadn't noticed."

Adam looked up at the clock that Nick was staring at, "She's worth the wait... I'll give her a ring if she's not here by-"

The doors of the E.D burst open. Adam sighed, "Finally something interesting-" And then he saw who was lying stretched out on the trolley. Jeff began "Okay guys, this is Bella Jordan, aged thirty-"

Bella interrupted with one of her famous remarks, being rushed to the emergency department in an ambulance hadn't affected her sense of humour, "Less of the thirties, can you put me down as 21 again, please Jeffrey."

Jeff place, "Shh princess, you're gonna be fine, she has a single stab wound to the stomach, knife still in place-"

Nick nearly fell over himself, "Why didn't you call this in? Jessica, Dr Truman, with me."

It was like the whole E.D had stopped to watch Bella glide past on her trolley. Adam had dropped his usual calm exterior and nerves of steel the moment that Bella had gone past him on the trolley, "What the hell Bells?"

"Tried to stop some lads stealing a pregnant lady's shopping. Bloody ridiculous, trained in unarmed combat and can't stop a teenage kid from sticking a knife in my stomach."

Nick interjected, "Try not to talk and we'll sort you out." He turned to Dixie, "And how much morphine has she had?"

Dixie frowned, "The patient has refused morphine, or indeed any sort of pain relief that we tried to offer her."

Bella moaned, "Patient has a name, don't want no morphine, no."

Nick shook his head. "This is ridiculous. Jessica get me some morphine."

Jess looked from Bella to Nick, she wasn't sure who to listen too. Tess interrupted with a frown, "Mr Jordan, with all due respect, we can't force her to have morphine."

Bella spoke again. "Nick can't treat me. And I don't want any bloody morphine. Get me something else if you have to, but no narcotics."

"Look, she's clearly delusional. Dr Winters commence Primary survey, cross match 6 units, morphine now please?"

Bella said again louder. "I'm serious, no morphine. No Nick, You can't... he is my father...ouch, poke that thing somewhere else...X-ray, CT, Cross Match...You're too involved... Stop...Morphine." The monitor began to bleep faster.

Nick stepped back from the bed, "She's right, I can't treat her."

Kelsey gawped, "You mean?"

"How about we leave the gossip till you've saved your colleague then? Dr Truman, take lead." And then he stepped back to watch, as infuriating as it was. Patience had never been a strong point of Mr Jordan's. He hated to wait for anything, and it seemed like everyone was making the judgement calls just a fraction slower than he would. This was important. This was Bella, his daughter. He had only just started to get to know her, he couldn't lose her now.

Bella, as she insisted on being called, was a bloody good doctor, perhaps nearly as good as him, although she lacked experience and had a tendency to let things get to her. In resus, she was superb, no one could distract her from her task and she rarely lost a patient. That was her first problem though, she had a lack of respect for authority and due processes, once she started treatment, nothing would stand in her way, whether it be a request from him or some other protocol. And then in cubicles, again, she would get too involved in a case and be unable to see the bigger picture. She often misunderstood the complexity of a situation, to her everything was really black and white, this was useful as she often saw medical things that other's wouldn't consider as obvious, but when it came to understand human emotions she was at a disadvantage. All that said, she was still the first doctor he would want by his side in a resus case. Her attitude and respect for him increased as they got to know each other, she was calm in every situation and he hadn't seen her be surprised by anything yet. She tell if people were lying just from a glance, and she knew what people needed before they ever knew themselves. People followed her lead not just because she was a doctor, but because they trusted that she was right. And she was incredibly popular with the staff. There was something about the funny, tough, loyal, loud, opinionated and a little bit crazy doctor's manner that attracted people towards her. There was something about the light in her eyes that made other people smile, made people trust her and open up to her. Yet it was obvious as soon as he saw her away from patients that the touch exterior hid a vulnerable soul. She would be smiling, and then suddenly the smile would fade as if she had remembered that she couldn't be happy. It was as obvious as the light of day when Bella was thinking about the past, her eye's would lose focus, her forehead would crease and her whole face would look disconnected from reality.

She had her mother's beauty and elegance her mother's haunted expression, as well as the light in her mother's eyes. Those eyes, he wasn't quite sure where she had got them from. Perhaps Maria's mother, Nick had never met her. The dark brown iris's were sprinkled with a lighter hazel, but at the same time they seemed to merge with her pupils. And no matter what Bella's facial expression was, you could always tell what she was thinking from those eyes. But he would like to think that there were bit's of him in her. Her ability as a doctor for one, that had to run in the family, her ability to command respect, her ability to bring out the best in the people around her. And her handwriting, that was so alike his that it was almost unnatural.

Nick wasn't alone in his anxiety for the doctor in resus. His position waiting on the edge of resus was shared by Jeff, Dixie, Big Mac, Alice and anyone else who wasn't already treating her. Dr Truman looked like he was on the verge of killing someone, Zoe was biting her lip, Jess unsubtely squeezed Bella's hand as she went past with some blood gases, Tess and Charlie had matching expressions of concern and concentration, even the cold-hearted Ruth who was the only member of the department he hadn't seen Bella laughing with at some point had a different manner about her. The rest of the E.D had gone to a standstill, something that was probably Nick's responsibility to sort out, but right now he didn't care about anything other than Bella's fate. He had only know his daughter for 2 months, but she was already one of the only people he could say he truly cared for. Like everyone, he winced to see the scald mark from boiling water down her side and the self inflicted scars that criss-crossed in white up her arm and across her exposed torso. And when the rolled her, the jagged belt-whip marks across her back. So beautiful, yet so broken. And Nick was sorry for every day that he missed with her, every day that he couldn't protect her. Not that he'd ever be able to find the words to express it, he was lucky that Bella was so good at reading people, he found hims bargaining with God and every high power he could think of, if only his daughter could be saved.


	14. I Owe You One

It was later, and Bella was in HDU, she hadn't needed surgery and had accepted Fentanyl as an alternative to morphine. She had gone to sleep. Nick was sat in the chair holding her hand. She sat up suddenly, withdrawing her hand from his. She looked around the room, startled and unable to recall the events of the last twenty-four hours or find a reason why she would be lying in a hospital bed, "Whoa, were, wha, how?" Nick sat up sharply, he had nearly been asleep, "Stabbing, you refused morphine, we used fentanyl, intubated, removed."

Bella frowned, a fuzzy mixture of images forming in her mind, "Did that actually happen?" She could remember a woman, some boys, lights, Nick's face, her voice, "I thought I was dreaming. Where are my notes?"

Nick gave her a stern look, removing the red folder from her side and placing it at the end of the bed, "No, you need your rest, leave the doctoring to me."

The events of yesterday were becoming clearer, she blinked twice, and then she could remember Nick's voice too, "Did I? Does everyone know? Was-?"

Nick nodded, "Yes, you did."

"Sorry."

"What have you got to be sorry for?"

Bella shrugged. "I take it I didn't need surgery."

"No, you're going to be fine. But you'll have to take a few weeks off work." He raised his eyebrows, "And next time you see some lady's shopping getting stolen, walk on by. You nearly gave me a... Myocardial infarction."

"Most normal people say Heart Attack?"

"Never mind. What I'm trying to say is, well I-"

Bella nodded. She understood what Nick was trying to say but couldn't find the words, "Get back to work Nick."

Nick stood and walked to the door, "Visitors?"

"Yeah tell them to come in when they want. These four walls aren't going to get any more interesting."

.

.

.

A little while later a small bear popped his head round the door. "Hullo, I'm Bluebear and I'm... blue." Bella laughed as Adam's head joined it, "You gave us a bit of a fright there mate, what were you thinking?"

"Save the lecture, I'd probably do it again." She patted the bed an gestured for him to sit down.

"When are you going to get it into your head, you can't save everyone?"

"Doesn't mean I can't try."

"And as for refusing morphine, what was that about?"

"I got confused, I thought I was still trying to get off the smack for some reason, you should have done what Nick said."

"He was right, for once."

"He's not a bad guy you know, if you gave him a chance, you might actually make friends."

"Hmph."

Bella mimicked him. "Hmph. You're worse than me. Can I see my notes?" Adam passed her the orange folder. She read, "Dr. Truman removed the foreign body, well, I guess that means I owe you one."

"You would have done the same for me."

Jess and Jay peered round the door with Charlie, Tess and Kelsey, "Room for a few more?"


	15. Take it Easy

It's Bella's first day back to work, she enjoyed her 2 weeks off, but it did get a bit boring. A couple of motorbike rides, several meals out with Nick, going out with Jessica and the girls and too much daytime TV. She parked her bike in the usual spot, to see Ruth and Nick in the same car? She met Jay at the door, they were both on time – miracle?. She liked the new nurse, bit cocky, but a laugh with it. "You're working with me today mate? Welcome back by the way."

"I was bored out of my mind, sounds really bad, but I actually want something interesting today."

Charlie joined the conversation, "I'll know who to blame when we get a major incident then. Welcome back Trouble. Try to take it easy, yes?"

"I've had a whole 2 weeks of taking it easy, and I didn't like it much. Find me something interesting, I'll get changed into my scrubs."

At lunch she bounded into Nick's office, smiling as usual, and forgetting to knock, as usual. Her face fell slightly the sight of Nick, head in his hands. "What's wrong?"

"I slept with Dr Winters."

Bella laughed, "Hilarious, what's actually-" She caught sight of Nick's mortified face. "You didn't meant to say that did you. Which means you actually did... wrong images. Just so you know, fathers don't generally disclose the details of their sex life to their daughters."

"I didn't mean to blurt it out, stop laughing this is serious."

"You're right." Bella stopped laughing. "That's, what, a 20 year age gap. Ruth's a pretty vulnerable kid as well. What were you thinking?"

"I don't think I was."

"Obviously." She handed some a tupaware holding some sandwiches, "Thought you might be hungry. "See you around."

"Bella?"

"Busy." She called over her shoulder. Nick shrugged, knowing exactly where she got that line from.

.

Bella was working cubicles, everyone seem to insist that she take it easy, and Charlie had got Jess keeping an eye on her. She didn't mind, but she could do with out the constant, "Are you okay?"; "Let me take that?"; "Steady there Bella?"; "Don't work in resus today, it's too much hard work."

Bella held out her hand for a suture kit, but instead of handing it to her Jess dropped it on the floor. Bella scowled, "Jess?"

Jess just shrugged. "I'm sorry, I'll-"

"Hey, don't worry about it?" Jess didn't look to good. "Are you alright?"

Jess apologised to the patient. "I'm fine, really. I'll get another suture kit."

"No need." Bella stuck her head out of the cubicle. "Alice, can we have another suture kit in 3, please? Quick as you like."

Alice nodded and went to get one.

Later, Bella pulled Jess aside. "You're alright?"

"I'm fine."

Bella snorted. "Who's the doctor here?"

"There's nothing wrong with me."  
>Bella looked her up and down and grinned. "You're pregnant."<p>

Jess scowled. "Shh, how did you-?"

"Intuition, obviously- Don't worry, it was just a guess. And your secret's safe with me. Congratulations-" Bella paused. "It is congratulations isn't it?"

"Yes. Thank you."

"Does Sean know?"

"Not yet-"

"It is his, right?" Bella was one of the few people who knew about Adam and Jess's affair- she had even babysat for Jess's kids while they were together. She wasn't Sean's biggest fan.

"Pretty sure."

Bella raised her eyebrows. "50-50?"

Jess frowned. "It's Seans."

"Really?"

"Please don't Bella-"

She swallowed. "I won't, I promise. As long as you're sure you're fine."

"It's Sean's."

Bella nodded. "I know."


	16. Take The Message

"Bella, there's been a call for you. They left a message."

Tess stuck the sticky note next to the x-ray that Bella was studying. Bella looked at it briefly and screwed up the notice and chucked it in the bin. She went back to the x-ray. Tess shrugged.

"Bella there's a call for you." Noel held out the phone for Bella.

She didn't look up. "Take a message then?"

"They say that they've already left two and you haven't replied?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "Tell them I'm doing something really important and lifesaving that will take all day. Better still tell them I'm dead, and they can give up on harrassing me. "

"Umm okay?" Noel gave Bella an odd look but picked up the phone. "Dr Jordan is doing an important procedure and will be inavailable for the rest of the day. Sorry. I will pass on the message."

"They want you to call them as so-"

"I know."  
>"Bella, are you sure you're-"<p>

"I'm fine."

Noel shrugged and went back to work.

Zoe had been watching the conversation. "You know it really annoys people when you interupt the end of their-"

"I know. And no, I'm just trying to avoid somethi-someone."

Bella was distracted all day, and it wasn't long before people noticed. Adam gave her a funny look when she asked for a drug, only for her to realise that she'd asked for the wrong thing. She apologised to Tess and asked fot the correct drug, mentaly kicking herself for letting it get to her. Nick pulled her aside, after she struggled to get a line in, and asked what was wrong. She shrugged and muttered something about needing coffee.

She was outside on a bench with a cup of coffee when Nick came and sat next to her. "I've had a call-"

Bella pretended not to hear him.

"From a friend of mine who works in a hospital in Manchester."

Bella nodded, she knew what this was going to be about.

"They're treating a man with lung cancer, and unfortunately it isn't looking to good. They couldn't give me any details, but he's desperate to speak to you before-. Apparently you've been ignoring his calls."

"Is this some sort of attempt to give me a lecture."  
>"Bella, I'm being serious, someone obviously cares about you a lot and they want to see you before they die."<p>

"Did they tell you who it was?"

"No, patient confidentiality, but they told you, right?"

"Gerald Hardy, better known to his drinking mates as Jerry. Compulsive gambler, alcoholic, suffering from liver failure. No transplant available because he hasn't been able to quit the habit. He physically and sexually abused me and I am now expected to go and sit at his bedside? I seriously hope his death is long and painful." She stood up and walked back into the ED.

"Bella, I'm sorry, how was I supposed to realise?"

"Because of him I didn't have a childhood, I ended up on smack and sleeping with guys to make a living, I ended up working in a criminal organisation and making decisions that no 15 year old should have to. Because of him I have to take a coctail of anti-deppressants and mood stabilizers daily else I go mad. Forgive me if I don't like being reminded of him."

"I'll give Dr Stewert a call."  
>Bella smiled. "Thanks."<p>

"And you should take some time off."

"Nope, no can do. If I have to spend another day on the sofa watching daytime TV I will go madder than I already am."


	17. No Questions, No Lies

**Thanks to Madhatter48 and lolipop781 for reviewing, it made my week :) I've got the next 6 chapters written already so updating should be pretty speedy. Thank you to all my readers, I wouldn't do this without you. x Emily**

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><p>Bella was in resus, a young woman, a regular on the domestic abuse front had been bought in with significant burns and a stab wound. It wasn't looking good. "Blood pressure's dropping, and then it's up again." Tess warned. Bella had her hand in the young woman wound. "Bugger it I really can't find that bleed, it's too deep, maybe penetrated a valve, that would explain the fluctuating pressure."<p>

Nick nodded, "Okay, can we have 500 mg of..." The pause was obvious. Bella looked up, confused. "Veroxzone?- too late, she's arrested." Again, a pause. "Nick, shock her." But he just stood and stared at his hands. Bella pulled her hand out of the wound carefully, and picked up the paddles. She gave Nick a furious look. "Look's like I have to do everything around here. Clear."

They kept going for 20 minutes, but it made no difference. Nick pronounced the time of death, and was about to leave, but Bella pulled his arm, "Your office, in 10."

.

.

Bella was waiting for him, sitting on his desk. Nick pointed to the settee and his desk chair. "Do you have some sort of problem with chairs? There's a perfectly good sofa, yet you sit on my desk. There's an ED, practically full of chairs, yet you sit on reception or the Nurses Desk."

"There's an ED full of patients, yet you avoid treating them. And then when you are treating them, you are quite frankly- you're not yourself. What is wrong with you?"

"No questions, no lies."

"Drink, Drugs, what is it?"

Nick looked at her. "I don't know."

"Hold out your hands."

Nick held up his hands, he couldn't keep them from shaking. He looked slightly distressed.

"You only get shakes like that from massive substance overuse."  
>"I don't drink. I don't do drugs."<p>

"The causes of spetic shock, then."

Nick looked sad. "Please leave it."

"Say them."

"I- I know them okay, I just can't get the words out right."

"Have you been to see a doctor?"

"I am a bloody doctor."

"Me too. I meant a neurosurgeon. CT scan?"

"You think there's something wrong with my brain?"

"If you were sitting in my cubicle, I'd be writing you a referral right now."

Nick nodded, he knew that she was right. "I'll go and see and old friend. Don't look so worried. I'll be fine."

"And meanwhile, make sure you don't treat alone. I have your back, even though you are a arrogant, self obsessed old narcissist, lets say, 80% of the time."

"Less of the old."


	18. I Was With The Boss

"What's wrong with Nick?"

"I can't answer that, because I don't know."

"Drink, Drugs? Whatever it is, he doesn't want me to find out. He's kicked me out of resus."

"What?"

"He's concerned I can't handle it."

"I'm going to kill him." Bella marched out. "No jokes."

She stormed into Nick's office. He wasn't there. She sat down and waited. And yawned. She had been babysitting Harry so Jess could get a night off so she was tired. Poor Jess, Sean (Bella had always know that he was an arrogant dickhead.) had run off to Saudi Arabia with the kids. Saudi bloody Arabia of. Bella's thoughts slowed down. Saudi... Arabia.

Later, Nick walked into his office. His first shift after his diagnosis had been a hard one. He was fed up of feeling inadequate. He went to sit down on his sofa but to his surprise, he found Bella sleeping. He smiled and shook her shoulder.

"Wakey wakey sleepy head."

Bella yawned and sat up. "Arabia- Oh." She registered Nick's face in front of her. "I have a bone to pick with you," she said, sleepily.

"I have something to tell you first."

"Go on then."

Nick paused, he seemed to be deciding what to say. "I have a brain tumor. It's inoperable, and I am dying."

Bella swallowed. Nick watched as pain flinched across her face, she quickly recovered. "You're dying?"

"Yes."

Bella sat back, reeling with shock. Everything she touched got destroyed. "I'm so sorry."

"What have you got to be sorry for?"

Bella shook her head, "How long?"

"Months, maybe less."

"Are you planning on stopping working?"

"No." Nick waited for the protests, but Bella just nodded. He looked at her, she understood his need to work. They were so alike sometimes, it took him by surprise. She looked like Maria mostly and certainly had her temper, but she had his eyes, his determination, and his manner with people. And they sat on the couch, talking late into the night.

The talking had pretty much finished, and they were sat in comfortable silence when Bella bought the subject of Adam up.

"You know, if you told Adam, he'd get of your back right away. And you could let him treat in resus again."

"It's complicated."  
>"Why?"<p>

"I don't want his, or anyone elses sympathy. You understand that?"

"He's still one of the best friends I've ever had. I think he'd understand too, he's not exactly the tea and sympathy type."

"I'll think about it."

And Bella rested her head on his shoulder. "Life is so shitty."

"And you put it so eloquently."

"You have to tell Zoe." Nick had been seeing Zoe for a couple of weeks now and Bella knew that Zoe was taking it seriously- even if Nick wasn't.

Nick scowled. "I don't HAVE to do anything."

"But." Bella stopped, there was no use reasoning with him. She looked up at the clock, she'd been gone an hour. "I've been gone ages, Tess'll go ape."

"Just tell her you were with the boss."

"Yeah, cause that'll work."


	19. The List

Just a little filler chapter, it's basically two separate section which I wrote ages ago and don't really fit anywhere else. :) Please keep reviewing, it reminds me to upload when I get an email. Em xxx

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><p>Polly was pouring over a newspaper property section with a red pen. "Too shabby, too expensive, too far away, too small." She was muttering to herself. Bella and Polly had become good mates, the happy go lucky trainee paramedic was a fun person to be around, and an easy person to talk to. Bella wandered over. "Property hunting?"<p>

"Yep. Not much to hunt out on my budget though."

Bella considered this. "How much you got spare a month?"

Polly scowled. "£300, maybe more if I work more shifts."

"I have a room, in fact I have two, one of them is full of my crap but it could be moved. And I'd only charge £250, because you have to put up with running around at all hours."

"Really?"

"Swing by with me when you're shifts finished, you can take a look. I'll be in my office."

Polly jumped up and gave Bella an enthusiastic hug. "Thank you so much."

Dixie had overheard the conversation, and was going to offer Polly a room at her place, but seeing the smiles on both the faces of Bella, and Polly, she just joined in the smiling, and walked on to the vending machine.

.

* * *

><p>.<p>

Bella and Adam ambushed Nick outside his office. Adam grinned. "We have something for you."  
>Bella produced a piece of paper. "A list."<br>Nick looked confused. "A list of?"

Bella handed it to him. "Things to do before you die. Like Italy."

Nick laughed. "Bungee jumping? There's at least 3 entries for sex here."

Bella pointed at Adam. "That was all him. And bungee jumping's fun. I'll take you."

Nick shook his head. "I don't think so. Bungee jumping is one thing, but bungee jumping with you is another matter. And what's this, motorcycle ride at 100mph?"

Bella stuck her tongue out at him. "Chicken."

Adam pointed to a couple of items. "Yeah, you don't actually have to do all of these. Call it a rough plan."

"I'll bear it in mind." Nick smiled, he had been worried about Bella but she seemed to have accepted it. And Adam would look after her.


	20. If Pigs Could Really Fly

**This chapter is based loosely on the events of of Series 23 Episode 43 (one of my favourites) :) Please let me know what you think :)**

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><p>Bella was hiding. Well, not hiding- Doctors didn't hide from nurses, but Tess was on the warpath and Bella had left a load of unfiled patient notes on reception. She was just walking past the consultant's office when she saw that Jess was inside, with baby Harry. She grinned and went in. "Jess and a baby Harry- excellent."<p>

Jess looked surprised. "What's excellent?"

"I need you to cause a distraction by walking through E.D with cute baby, preferably near Tess, so I can sneak into her office and get my unfiled patient files back. If that makes any sense."

Jess tried not to laugh. "I won't ask.."

"What are you doing here anyway?"

"I spoke to Sean on the phone, he's expecting me and Harry on a plane in Saudi."

"Really? That's great. When?"

"Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow! What's Adam got to say about this?"

"He thinks I should blackmail Sean into- It's complicated." Jess's explanation was cut of by the sound of Bella's pager. Bella picked it up.

"I've got to go."

"Since when have you responded to a page call?"

"That's complicated too. Give me a ring- if you're going to Saudi tomorrow you'll need some help packing."

Jess smiled. "Thanks Bella."

.

.

Bella jogged down the stairs to resus, Charlie was wheeling a patient out, shouting to Ruth and Jay to take a patient to CT. She stopped, confused. "Isn't that my patient?"

Charlie nodded. "In resus. Now."

"But-"

Charlie shook his head urgently, so Bella ignored what she thought she had been paged for and entered resus. Nick was lying on the floor fitting. Bella froze for a second before grabbing some larazapam and a syringe. She heard Charlie call Zoe in, she was about to tell him that Nick wouldn't want her to know- but it was too late. Zoe stopped dead at the sight of Nick fitting, before snapping into action.

Zoe opened the drugs cabinet. "Fenatolin?"

Bella nodded. "And a saline flush please. Charlie can I have some O2. I'm getting a line in." I It was easier for her to remain attached- in her army days she had treated her best friends in the middle of a battle field.

.

.

They managed to get Nick stabilized and on a trolley. Zoe started to list of bloods and scans that Nick should have. Bella interrupted. "He- He." Nick really didn't want anyone to know but Zoe was going to send him for a head CT so she'd work it out anyway. "Cancel the head CT, run a 3 lead ESG and basic bloods."

Charlie looked up. "Do you know something that we don't?"

"Just- confidentiality and all that."

Zoe stopped what she was doing and looked Bella in the eye. "What is it?"

"He's got a brain tumour. A grade 4 myoblastoma. Inoperable. Save you the CT scan."

Zoe flinched visibly. Charlie blinked, he hadn't been expecting that. Bella squeezed Nick's hand hand sadly, "Nothing stays unbroken for long." She went to leave when Zoe asked. "How long?"

She turned at the door and said to Zoe, "You guys need to talk." before leaving. Charlie followed her out. "He knew that he had a brain tumour?"

Bella scowled. "And?"

"He's been treating with a brain tumour and you knew?"

Bella didn't want to get anyone in trouble, but she was in a bad mood. "Adam knew too- we've been keeping an eye on him- He never put a patient at risk. He wouldn't do that Charlie."

"And today?"

"He fast bleeped me-"

"You never answer your pager. What if you hadn't come along today? What if the patient-"

"What if pigs could fly and magic was real and you could really find leprechauns at the bottom of rainbows? What if they discovered a cure for cancer tomorrow? What if I could zoom back in time at the flick of a switch? Sorry Charlie but I'm the wrong person to ask, that's the kind of thing that only mediums and seer's know."

Charlie remembered that despite the cool exterior when she was treating Nick, Bella was still his daughter and it must have been difficult for her to see him like that. "Sorry. Are you alight?"

"It's not fair, is it Charlie? I mean Nick's no angel but I've only just found him, and now I'm going to loose him."

"You don't know that-"

"Yes I do. Page me when he comes round, promise I'll answer it. I'm going to treat some patients."

"Bella-" But it was too late, she had already gone. Charlie shook his head and went back to Nick- Zoe excused herself and went to have a fag.

.

.

Bella's pager bleeped just as Tess came over, probably about leaving patients record un-filed in the department, but whatever she was going to say- Bella didn't give her enough time to open her mouth. She was at Nick's bedside in seconds waving Charlie away. "Nick, can you hear me? Nick, it's Bella. You had a fit. Nick, squeeze my hand if you can hear me?"

He squeezed her hand.

.

.

It was later and Bella was sitting in reception absent-mindedly clicking her pen. Adam ran up to her, obviously in a hurry. "Bella where's Jess?"

Bella ignored Adam, she was lost in her thoughts. Today had been a bad day.

Adam waved his hand in front of her face. "Bella, Jess has gone to Saudi- why didn't you say?"

Bella blinked. "She said she was going tomorrow?"

"She's gone."

"Gone?"

"Yes, gone. With Harry. I'm getting a cab."

Bella sighed and pulled out her motorbike keys. So much for a quiet night in. "I have a spare helmet, it's faster."

.

.

Bella dropped Adam off at the airport doors, and went to park it. She ran in to see Jess disappear round the corner to departures and Adam kick the wall in frustration. She waved the security guard off with one hand. "He's not going to do anything stupid."

Adam sagged, defeated and Bella patted him on the back. "Drink?" She asked.

He nodded.


	21. Speculation

**Sorry this took so long, I've been having a bit of a song and dance with our dear old friend the Doc Manager. All sorted now. :) I've got the next chapter ready to go so that should be up by tomorrow (fingers crossed.) I've turned on anonymous reviews (didn't even realise they were off) so you can review if you don't have an account now. Thanks for reading and for your support. E xx**

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><p>Jay, Noel and Mac were gossiping. About Nick, who had just publicly lost his temper with some random medium woman. Mac was leant on the reception desk. "He's not going to be able to cover it up for long."<p>

Jay nodded. "Does he really think no one would notice the-" Jay made a shaking motion with his hand.

Adam was about to say something, but Bella beat them to it. She slammed down the pile of patient files she was carrying next to them. "Hey guys. What's the story?"

They all looked sheepish.

"Oh yeah, I head that one too. Mr Jordan's an alcoholic. Mr Jordan has a headache because he works incredibly hard in an extremely pressurised job. Perhaps you guys should follow his lead and actually do some work instead of standing round gossiping all day. Noel, here's some files, Big Mac the heavily obese man in 4 needs moving to X-ray, and Jay- the heavily obese man sick needs clearing up too. Please."

Jay nodded headed off. Mac shook his head. "I've finished my shift actually."

"Then you should be gone. Hospital Handbook. Section 7e. Staff should not loiter on the premises in uniform after shift unless working overtime." Bella turned, to overhear Zoe saying to Adam. "So who does this really benefit?" She thought we should make Nick leave, a week ago she had been shagging him and now she can't wait to get rid of him. Bella frowned, she was normally a better judge of character.

Bella answered for him with a glare and, "Nice to see what a loyal department we have here, right Adam?"

Zoe didn't answer and walked away.

"Temper much?" Adam shook his head teasingly.

Bella rolled her eyes. "I just can't help it. He's their boss, they should have more respect instead of making assumptions and throwing rumours around. It's not like he's here to defend himself."

"You seem to have that one covered."

Bella smiled and picked up the pile of patient entry forms. "Severe Vomiting, Severe Diarrhea, Drunk, twisted ankle or Coffee cup burns? You know sometimes I really love this job."

"I'll take the drunk, the twisted ankle and the burns if you have severe and severe."

Bella shook her head, "First come first served." She handed him the patient cards for both the diarrhea and vomiting. "Have fun."


	22. Change is Inevitable

Adam and Bella stepped out of the lift- they'd both been on a coffee break, when Bella noticed Nick, who was supposed to be off having chemo. "What's he doing in today?"

Adam nodded. "Mr Jordan? Nick you-"

Nick snapped. "If anyone else says I look tired I will personally have their contract termintated."

Bella smiled. "Nick you look tired."

"I wasn't joking."

"Nor was I. Is it a good idea to be working on the same day your starting chemo?"

"Is this going to be a 5 minute lecture of a full hour one?"

Bella was distracted by Adam's mouth dropping open slightly. "Jessica?"

She turned to see Jessica, with all 3 children, walk up to the reception desk. Jay ran past. "Dr Truman RTC?"

Adam nodded, "give me 30 seconds."

Bella smiled. "It's alright, I'll go. Nick?"

"Yeah I'm coming."

.

After dealing with the RTC she sought out her friend

"Jess." Bella engulfed her friend in a hug. "I was begining to think that you'd eloped with a rich arabian prince."

Jess smiled. "No such luck."

"You seen Adam yet?"

Jess's smile a frown. "He's-" She paused. "Not happy."

"Jess you ran off to Saudi Arabia with his son. He's entitled to be upset."

"I thought you were on my side."

"You know I didn't mean it like that. I'm not taking sides here, you're my friend and I'm glad you got Luvas and Amelia baxk. But Adam's also my friend and you hurt him Jess."

"Bella I had to get my children back. You wouldn't understand, you've never had to-" Jess stopped, noticing the look on Bella's face.

"Just because I never had children does't make me some heartless cow. I might not be able to empathise but I can still sympathise, that is if you'll let me. "

"I didn't mean-"

"I'm supposed to be on shift. Nice to see you."

"Bella-" Jess tried again.

But she had gone.

.

Bella walked into resus, there seemed to be some kind of trouble. She rolled her eyes, she goes on a 10 minute break and all hell breaks loose.

"What's going on guys?"

Adam shook his head. "Nick ballsed up the femeral on the Dorothy Gilbert."

"But, I swear he-" Bella looked from Zoe to Nick, realising what must have taken place. Bella had watched Zoe go into the old ladies cubicle, so she must have done the procedure- Nick was taking a break, she'd watched him go. Nick was covering for Zoe. Bella quickly pulled herself together and turned to Nick. "Did you not check for blood in the syringe?"

"No, I was-" Nick struggled to form the words. "I was thinking about something else."

Bella sighed and watched as Adam tried to explain to the woman's daughter what had happened. She followed Nick out and checked there was no one who was listening. "Zoe did that procedure."

"I know."

"So why are you throwing away your career?"

"What career? I've got a terminal illness."

"Nick- Why is Zoe letting you do this?"

"She's not. Don't blame her for this- I know you two have had your disagreements, over me, but don't let this ruin your friendshp." Nick gave her a stern look as she began to protest again. "Bella."

"Whatever. You coming for a drink tonight?"

"No, I need some sleep."

"See you around then?" Bella knew that this was probably his last shift.

"Yes. Behave yourself, okay?"

.

Adam was looking at some X-rays on the scanner. Bella remembered her earlier conversation with Jess and went over to talk to him. "Adam."

"Yes."

"How'd it go with Jess?"

He didn't look up from the X-Ray board. "Jess?"

"Yeah, nurse, brown hair, mother to Harry."

"I know who she is."

"Are you alright?"

"She doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with running off to Saudi with my son. That's if he is my son."

"He has your ears."

"So everyone says. But he could be Sean, and I accidently mentioned that and she stormed off in a taxi."

"Yeah, we had a bit of an argument earlier."

"You guys shouldn't fall out over me, she needs her friends right now. You need your friends right now."

Bella ignored the final remark. "I kinda bit her head off."

He smiled. "Temper Bella."

"Yeah whatever. I'll apologise if you sort it out with her too."

Adam nodded and gestured to the X-ray. "So Bella what'd you think? Or is it below you to be my mentee these days."

She smiled thinking back to the days when she had been a slightly nervous, not that she'd ever shown it, Trust Doctor and Adam had taken it upon himself to mentor her. "Fracture of C5 and mild displacement at C2. I'd send them for an MRI to have a closer look."

"Correct."

She smiled. "I miss the old times, the old team. Me, you, harry, Maggie, Ruth and Tobes. Abs, Nadia, Kelsey."

"People come and go Bella."

She nodded. "Change is inevitable- except from the vending machine."

Adam snorted with laughter. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine Adam."

"Really?"

"Yes really. I'm not going to burst in tears and start bawling out all my problems if that's what you're after."

"Then I really would worry."

"Sort out your own life first."

"Oh cheers."

"Anytime."


	23. This is Goodbye

Adam and Bella stepped out of the lift- they'd both been on a coffee break, when Bella noticed Nick, who was supposed to be off having chemo. "What's he doing in today?"

Adam nodded. "Mr Jordan? Nick you-"

Nick snapped. "If anyone else says I look tired I will personally have their contract termintated."

Bella smiled. "Nick you look tired."

"I wasn't joking."

"Nor was I. Is it a good idea to be working on the same day your starting chemo?"

"Is this going to be a 5 minute lecture of a full hour one?"

Bella was distracted by Adam's mouth dropping open slightly. "Jessica?"

She turned to see Jessica, with all 3 children, walk up to the reception desk. Jay ran past. "Dr Truman RTC?"

Adam nodded, "give me 30 seconds."

Bella smiled. "It's alright, I'll go. Nick?"

"Yeah I'm coming."

.

After dealing with the RTC she sought out her friend

"Jess." Bella engulfed her friend in a hug. "I was begining to think that you'd eloped with a rich arabian prince."

Jess smiled. "No such luck."

"You seen Adam yet?"

Jess's smile a frown. "He's-" She paused. "Not happy."

"Jess you ran off to Saudi Arabia with his son. He's entitled to be upset."

"I thought you were on my side."

"You know I didn't mean it like that. I'm not taking sides here, you're my friend and I'm glad you got Luvas and Amelia baxk. But Adam's also my friend and you hurt him Jess."

"Bella I had to get my children back. You wouldn't understand, you've never had to-" Jess stopped, noticing the look on Bella's face.

"Just because I never had children does't make me some heartless cow. I might not be able to empathise but I can still sympathise, that is if you'll let me. "

"I didn't mean-"

"I'm supposed to be on shift. Nice to see you."

"Bella-" Jess tried again.

But she had gone.

.

Bella walked into resus, there seemed to be some kind of trouble. She rolled her eyes, she goes on a 10 minute break and all hell breaks loose.

"What's going on guys?"

Adam shook his head. "Nick ballsed up the femeral on the Dorothy Gilbert."

"But, I swear he-" Bella looked from Zoe to Nick, realising what must have taken place. Bella had watched Zoe go into the old ladies cubicle, so she must have done the procedure- Nick was taking a break, she'd watched him go. Nick was covering for Zoe. Bella quickly pulled herself together and turned to Nick. "Did you not check for blood in the syringe?"

"No, I was-" Nick struggled to form the words. "I was thinking about something else."

Bella sighed and watched as Adam tried to explain to the woman's daughter what had happened. She followed Nick out and checked there was no one who was listening. "Zoe did that procedure."

"I know."

"So why are you throwing away your career?"

"What career? I've got a terminal illness."

"Nick- Why is Zoe letting you do this?"

"She's not. Don't blame her for this- I know you two have had your disagreements, over me, but don't let this ruin your friendshp." Nick gave her a stern look as she began to protest again. "Bella."

"Whatever. You coming for a drink tonight?"

"No, I need some sleep."

"See you around then?" Bella knew that this was probably his last shift.

"Yes. Behave yourself, okay?"

.

Adam was looking at some X-rays on the scanner. Bella remembered her earlier conversation with Jess and went over to talk to him. "Adam."

"Yes."

"How'd it go with Jess?"

He didn't look up from the X-Ray board. "Jess?"

"Yeah, nurse, brown hair, mother to Harry."

"I know who she is."

"Are you alright?"

"She doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with running off to Saudi with my son. That's if he is my son."

"He has your ears."

"So everyone says. But he could be Sean, and I accidently mentioned that and she stormed off in a taxi."

"Yeah, we had a bit of an argument earlier."

"You guys shouldn't fall out over me, she needs her friends right now. You need your friends right now."

Bella ignored the final remark. "I kinda bit her head off."

He smiled. "Temper Bella."

"Yeah whatever. I'll apologise if you sort it out with her too."

Adam nodded and gestured to the X-ray. "So Bella what'd you think? Or is it below you to be my mentee these days."

She smiled thinking back to the days when she had been a slightly nervous, not that she'd ever shown it, Trust Doctor and Adam had taken it upon himself to mentor her. "Fracture of C5 and mild displacement at C2. I'd send them for an MRI to have a closer look."

"Correct."

She smiled. "I miss the old times, the old team. Me, you, harry, Maggie, Ruth and Tobes. Abs, Nadia, Kelsey."

"People come and go Bella."

She nodded. "Change is inevitable- except from the vending machine."

Adam snorted with laughter. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine Adam."

"Really?"

"Yes really. I'm not going to burst in tears and start bawling out all my problems if that's what you're after."

"Then I really would worry."

"Sort out your own life first."

"Oh cheers."

"Anytime."


	24. New Captain Again

**This chapter is sort of set in Series 24 Episode 1 (Adam's first day as official clinical lead.) I'm afraid that updates might slow down a little for a couple of weeks, I've got mocks and coursework deadlines left right and centre as well as my Sherlock fic, Star Wars fic, Harry Potter fic- you get the picture :P I just want to say a massive thank you to all my readers, (especially Gillian Kearny Fan, lolipop and madhatter), if it wasn't for you guys I would have given this up long ago. I have a ridiculous amount of material written for series 25-26, I just need to re-watch series 24 for some inspiration. Always love to hear your feedback, thoughts and opinions. Love E xx**

* * *

><p>Bella jogged into the E.D, she was early- sort of anyway. It was a loverly warm and sunny day and it was impossible not to smile. She met Adam, Jess and Charlie at the E.D doors. "Morning guys."<p>

Charlie looked shocked, "Who put that smile on your face? Normally you're sleepily demanding coffee at this point."

Bella stuck her tongue out at him, and produced a big badge from her pocket. She handed it to Adam, grinning. The badge had the words, "THE BOSS" written on it in cartoon style lettering. "Just in case anyone forgot. Nervous?" It was Adam's first day as clinical lead.

Adam looked surprised. "What me? Oh, raring to go."

Bella grinned and whispered loudly to Charlie and Jess. "He's nervous."

..

..

Bella asked Charlie, "What's this I hear about 8 F2's? Another brilliant decision from the board."

Charlie elbowed her. "Shut up for once, Adam's going to make a speech."

Bella sat herself on the reception desk between Jeff and Polly and laughed with the rest of the team as Adam climbed on a chair.

"Listen, I just wanted to say-"

Jay interupted in a mocking voice. "Once more into the beach we are-"

"Jay it's been wonderful working with you but I am afraid due to the cutback's we're going to have to let you go. Pick up your p45 on the way out."

Jay and the rest of the team laughed, "Don't even tempt me mate."

"No, I just wanted to say that I am very excited about running this department. We have a great team, morale is high- well as high as can be expected- and I want to keep it that way please, so if you've got an problems, come to me okay. Just because I am your boss and devilishly handsome doesn't mean I am unaproachable."

Bella winked at Jess, "Yeah right."

Tess smiled, "In that case, can people start washing up-"

Everyone joinied in with "their coffee mugs."

Adam gave Tess a thumbs up. "Rest assured mugs are my number 1 prority."

"On a more serious note, the memorial tree for Curtis will be planted in the grounds this afternoon, Curtis was a valued member of our team and a teriffic guy and I know that Alice will join me in thanking you all for your very generous contribution to the plant. Right. It's that time of year were we all have to put our hands together and give a very big warm ED welcome to our new F2's. All 8 of them."

A blond male one put his hand in the air and shouted, "Come on." This was followed by a slightly awkward silence.

"Well I think we can do a bit better than that people, they've worked very hard to be here."

Bella clapped rather unenthusiastically, she knew that Adam was going to dump at least one on her for babysitting.

"There will be drinks in the staffroom after the shift today. Big Mac, can you fo the honours?"

He handed Mac a £20 note. "Decorations, alsorted accrudities. Knock yourself out."

Big Mac nodded.

"Alright, are there any questions?"

Charlie put his hand up. "Yeah, has anyone heard anything from Nick Jordan?" Bella felt all eyes fall on her, she slid of the desk and made her exit, good mood suddenly gone.

Adam look worried. "Okay umm, that's just about everything. Let's rock and roll!"

..

..

Bella was filling out her notes when Adam ambushed her, all smiles. "Okay guys, this is Dr Jordan, she might let you call her Bella, depends how much coffee she's had."

Bella rolled her eyes, "Adam you obviously want something- I am busy."

He leaned in so the F2's couldn't hear. "I need a favour. Ruth's gone and dumped me with the F2's she was supposed to be looking after for me-"

"No."

"Please? Wait no, scrap that, I am your boss now I am making you do it."

"I really hate babysitting."

"I really hate pulling rank."

"Liar, you love it. Fine whatever. Don't blame me if something goes wrong."

She looked across the row of 4 faces. The blond one muttered something about wanting to be taught by the famous Nick Jordan. She gave her a killer look, "Sorry, you're stuck with his thankfully unfamous daughter instead."

..

..

Bella jogged up to Tess with a pile of patient slips. "I've cleared cubicles 1, 3, 7, 9, 11, 13, 15, cubicle 5 wants to speak to my superior." Tess raised her eyebrows. "Its okay, I don't think they'll actually sue. I left the F2s in charge of the even ones. From what I saw cubicle 10 might actually have a reason to sue, so I better go and sort that."

Adam looked round. "What's this Trouble?"

"I told you not to call me that. I also told you I hated babysitting. And I assumed F2 meant they knew one end of a cannula from another. In the army, we only took people into action who knew what they were doing."

Adam pointed towards cubicles. "You're not in the army now, and I don't need anymore paperwork."

"Sorry mate." Bella knocked into a pile of paperwork piled up on the worktop, but Adam caught the files before they scattered everywhere. He shook his head. "You are a bloody caution sometimes."

"Sorry again, sorry." Bella jogged over to cubicles.

Adam looked worried again, "Agitatated, Mood swings, clumsy, drop in work performance, isolated, short attention span-"

Tess nodded. "She hasn't been taking her meds, has she?"

"I'm worried about her, she isn't taking the Nick thing very well, although she's trying her best not to show it."

Charlie was listening, "I'll have a word at the end of the shift."

..

..

Tess got off the phone, "They need a doctor, prolonged entrapment."

Bella spun around, "Excellent, I'm on call, I get my stuff. Dr Hargreaves, can you check on the F2's in cubicle 10."

Adam interrupted her, "Uh uh, I'm taking this one. I'm bored."

Bella scowled. "Rock paper scissors you for it?"

"Alright. But if I lose I'm pulling rank and going anyway."

"You'll have to race me to the door." But Bella lost and couldn't be bothered to take it any further, so she went of to cubicles, whilst Adam picked one of his F2's to go with him.


	25. Everybody's Colleague

Tess tapped Bella on the shoulder. "There's been a call. An explosion at the factory that Adam and the F2 went to."

Bella stopped what she was doing. "What the hell happened?"

"We don't know."

"How many?"  
>"7 maybe more, ETA 15 minutes."<p>

"Is Adam-?"

"We don't know."

"I'll do cubicles."

"Thanks." Tess smiled and squeezed Bella's arm. "He'll be fine."

"I know..." She shook her head, no she didn't need to take a break. "He's everyone's colleague."

"But-"

Bella smiled, "Have you told the F2's yet?"

"No point worrying them."

"It's gonna be chaos." She laughed. "Just the way I like it."

.

.

Bella spent the rest of her afternoon sorting out the F2's who were clueless as to how to deal with people, and nearly just as clueless about medicine too. They were insensitive, arrogant, and frustrating, so in the end all Bella could do was treat them like student nurses- clean up jobs and sitting with patients.

Polly set about phoning the local hostels trying to get a place for some of them overnight, while Bella did her best on the other phone to get as many of them admitted to the hospital. Big Mac and Noel were discussing the possibility of arson with two of the F2's. The blond, girly one was demonstrating her ignorance. "I don't know how they are going to narrow down the subject list, I mean, most of them are crazy enough, or high enough-"

Bella smiled as Polly interrupted. "Excuse me, what's your name again."  
>"May."<br>"Hi May, I'm Polly. Those are your patients you're talking about. Those crazed druggies, they're your patients. They deserve a little bit of respect."

Bella joined in. "They say we're all only two pay checks from the streets. That could be you in that bed one day."

The loud one, Lenny?, smiled. "That's you told."

Bella rolled her eyes. "Didn't I leave both of you in charge of separate patients. Or do you need someone to hold your hand?"  
>"No, sorry." They both went back to work, at least May had the decency to look guilty.<p>

.

.

Bella and Jess were waiting anxiously outside the E.D, both for the same reason, both looking equally worried. Bella was the first to speak. "It should have been me, I was on call, I shouldn't have even let him go. I should have been better at rock-paper-scissors. I should have gone with him or- I should have-"

"It wasn't your fault."

"If he's not-" Bella and Jess looked at each other, they didn't want to think about the end of that sentence. They went back to watching, waiting, silently.

Jess looked at Bella thoughtfully, she recognized the look on Bella's face, she had seen it in her own reflection when she had realized that Adam was missing. "Do you love him?"

Bella didn't hesitate "Of course." But then she saw the look on Jess's face and realized what she must be thinking. "But not like that, ew, no no no. He's like a brother to me, nothing more than that."

"Oh right." Jess would normally feel awkward at a moment like this but Bella and Jess were really good friends and she was too worried about Adam for any other feelings to come into it.

.

.

Adam got out the car, Bella sighed with relief. She saw the look on his face though, she knew that expression. The captain's guilt, when you loose someone in your division you feel responsible for. She watched as Jess ran to him, hugged him. Adam barely seemed to recognize her, he walked straight past. Jess looked at Bella, confused. Bella took her arm, and led Jess after him. "Survivor's guilt." She explained. "He'll be fine okay?"

.

.

Bella came bounding into the staffroom, again trying to pretend that everything was fine, "Who's up for a drink?"

Tess, Charlie, Big Mac and Noel all agreed, and off they headed. Charlie pulled Bella aside, "You alright?"

Bella smiled and shrugged. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Mood swings, agitation, hyperactivity. You're the doctor, you tell me." Charlie sounded harsh, but he knew Bella well enough to know that you had to be blunt with her else she would just brush you off.

Bella frowned.

He continued. "There's two explanations. Either your meds aren't working, which would be a cause for concern, or you aren't taking them. Again a cause for concern, but one that is easily solved.

Bella rolled her eyes. "I just- I don't want to be someone I am not all the time."  
>Charlie gestured to her shaking hands, anxiously fiddling with her keys. "That isn't you, is it?"<p>

"I know you're right, as always- well nearly."

Charlie grinned.

"But, I don't know. Should it be this way, should I have to take mood stabilizers just to maintain a pretence of normality? Should I have to take medication to help me sleep, to help me concentrate, to stop me being- you know." Bella sighed. "I guess I should stop complaining, right? Life's too short and all."

She produced 3 packets out of her pocket and popped one pill from each in her mouth. "Happy?"

"Only if you are."

Bella smiled. "Thanks Charlie. Again."

"We're always here for you, you do know that, don't you?"

"Yes." Charlie put his arm round Bella, and directed her out of the department.

She smiled. "I'll buy the first round."


	26. Floating or dying?

**As usual I've blagged my way through the medical terminology here. I wasn't attending to write it like this but I've been having a spot if writers block over this part. This chapter contains themes of suicide, self-harm, death, prostitution, drugs, abuse, but nothing that hasn't been covered in previous casualty episodes. Sorry if this is a little but too depressing, but I'm in that kind of mood at the moment. Feedback would be appreciated. E.**

The department was struggling, Adam blamed himself for Heather's death and was spending long periods in his office, the F2s were causing chaos, the combination of working too many shifts and missing Nick left Bella tired and stressed and she still wasn't talking to Zoe. Waiting times were up and Professor Henry's constant presence the department wasn't helping matters. Bella was staring blankly at a sheet of notes when Polly placed a cup of coffee next to her. Bella looked up and smiled gratefully. "Thanks Poll, I could really do with one of these."

"How many shifts have you done this week?"

Bella shrugged, "8, 9? I haven't counted."

"Really, I make it 11. I don't think that's legal."

"Says you."

Polly smiled. "I'm a trainee ambulance technician. The E.D won't fall apart without you." Polly knew that it wasn't anything to do with the E.D, she had noticed that Bella hadn't been sleeping. "Why don't you knock off early? I've just finished, we could get a pizza in or-"

"We're stretched as it is, I can't leave."

Polly called over to Tess. "Do you mind if Bella leaves a little early?"  
>Tess looked over at the dark circles under Bella's eyes and her tired, gaunt face and nodded. "Of course, you've worked too many shifts this week Bella."<p>

Bella was just about to argue when Zoe rushed out of resus. "Bella, can you cover, I've got to go."

Bella shrugged at Polly. "Look, I can't go know. But thanks for the coffee, really." Bella jogged into resus leaving Polly to look vaguely concerned.

* * *

><p>She finished her shift, went for a single drink and ended up drinking too much. She had dragged herself home, and then having not been able to sleep, again, she went out for a walk. And that was how she found herself, sitting on a wall underneath Clifton Suspension Bridge. Bella had been doing a lot of thinking lately. She found that she had too much spare time, she used to go out for a meal with Nick twice a week and running every morning. But she was too tired to run, she couldn't sleep, and Nick had gone in an attempt to spare her having to watch him die. Stupid hero. She looked out across the river Avon, normally the sight of the slowly moving water cleared her head but she still had a headache. She pulled out packet of paracetamol from her bag. She took there without water, years of tablets had left her an expert at swallowing them. They tasted slightly off. Right now she was thinking over her life, a mishmash of flashbacks all folded into one. Death, abuse, prostitution, self-harm, drugs, failures.<p>

_I'm just four years old, and I've just found my mother dead on the bathroom floor. The police officer explains that Mummy is gone. She tells me that it's my birthday today, they have my birth certificate. I'd never had a birthday before, it seemed like a strange idea to my 4 year old mind. _

_I'm eight years old, and Uncle has just lost a big bet. He's drunk too. I know what that means, a beating. I sit in the kitchen and waiting for him come. Its better not to hide, I know from experience._

_I'm twelve now, just earned £150 from a rich old man. He was my first rough one. I feel stiff, bruised and violated, I'm back at the den, crying. I feel so weak, I vow never to let it get to me again._

_Then I'm just 13 curled in a sleeping bag with the girls. They're my family, we look after each other because we understand each other. The older girls try and protect the younger ones, set them up with the easier guys._

_At the same time I'm doing things I never dreamed I would do, anything for the smack. I'm staring into the eyes of a dead girl, knowing that I helped to bring about her death. The sad thing is that I can't seem to care. I'm already counting down the seconds to my next hit. _

_When I was 15, it got harder. I make myself sick because its something I can control. I cut because it is a way to cope. I've given into the need for heroin once again. I sleepily wake in the night and then there's blood and I think the abortion pill that Dazz gave me is working._

_Psychiatric Unit. Someone is screaming. A door bangs. I'm shaking. It's cold. A blank empty room. No stimuli. I can hear a high pitch whine, I'm screaming. _

_Nick lying fitting on the floor._

_Patient dead. Stitch dead. Patient dead. Mardsen dead. And again. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. All the people she didn't manage to save, all the she couldn't save. _

_._

_I've just turned 14 now enrolling in night classes, lying about my age of course. I'm not failing either, which is surprising since I missed out of 4 years of school. My tutor reckons I can do my GSCE's at the end of the year. Maybe I will make something or myself. _

_It's my 21st, first proper celebration I've ever had, Med school was harder than I expected, but it was easier than some of the things I'd done before. None of my friends at Uni know why I always wear long sleeves, why I need sleeping pills to sleep, and why my moods are so erratic._

_I'm at my interview with the army career's officer, and they're telling me they'll fund my med degree. Aged 17 and the first time I have something to look forward to._

_I'm out on my first scout trip with the Eagles. Captain Mardsen smiles at me and I fell like wanted. This is what I wanted to do, this is what I trained to be. I was nervous, but excited and proud too. Not something I'd felt for a while, if ever. _

_Mardsen ruffling her hair... Mardsen lying dead in her arms._

_Adam calling her 'Trouble'..._

_Going out with Jess and Zoe._

_Nick handing her a set of patient notes._

_Drinks with Jay, Lenny and Polly at the end of the shift. _

.

.

.

.

She was getting hazy now, suddenly she was very sleepy. She looked in her hand, she was still holding the packet of paracetamol in her hand. She read the words on the packet. Lithium Carbonate. She hadn't taken paracetamol. Slowly her brain did the calculation, her weight times the dosage, divide by 100. She was going to go into a coma... She watched as hands slowly, as if they were detached from her body dial 9...9...9 and press the green button. And then she was gone.

.

.

.

She was floating, she could hear sirens. Maybe she was at work, but why couldn't she move?... so sleepy. Was this floating or dying?

.

.

.

"This is Dr Isabella Jordan, 31, suspected overdose on Lithium Carbonate." Polly's voice faltered so Jeff took over. "Pulse is thready at 60/180, stats at 84% and shes slightly tacky. "

She could see a bright light and then it was gone. Adam's voice sounded grim. "Pupils reactive. Has anyone got a contact for Nick? Check her phone?" Nick... But Nick was gone. She wasn't floating anymore, she was falling down down faster and then she was gone.


	27. Confusion

Adam and Jess were talking. She could hear a monitor bleeping. Her monitor? What happened again? She couldn't see, her eyes were stubbornly shut.

"I don't get it Jess? Why Lithium Carbonate? And only 3. If she hadn't have had such a low blood sugar and alcohol in her blood then she probably wouldn't even had gone into a coma?"

"Unless she wasn't trying to kill herself?" Bella wanted to shout No No No, I didn't want to die, but it was no use, she was slipping under again.

.

.

.

Maybe death wouldn't be so bad. Anything but this. Drifting from pain, to morphine, to nothingness. Floating, falling, burning. Anything to be back in control.

.

.

.

Nick? Nick's dead. But Nick's talking.

"I'm so sorry Bells. I've been selfish, going away was purely for benefit. I should have thought, I should have stayed... given you a chance to say goodbye. But I was scared. Please Bella."

She wanted to reply, but the effort of thinking was only just bearable, let alone moving and talking. Then there was silence.

.

.

.

Am I imagining this? Am I dead? I don't think I wanted to die.

.

.

.

Bella could feel someone squeezing her hand. "It's time to wake up now Bella."

She opened her eyes and then shut them again. It was Nick. "Are we dead?"

She could hear him laughing. "No Bella, we are very much alive."

"But?" She tried to sit up. Warm hands stopped her. "Easy Bells. I'll get the nurses." She opened her eyes and surveyed the room. She was in an ITU unit, two nurses in blue scrubs were taking her obs and Nick. Nick was sitting in a chair next to her. He looked tired. Chemo? He had stitches on his head. Her brain worked slowly but she reached a logical conclusion. "You've had surgery. I- I don't remember. How long have I been out for?"

"2 weeks... but?"

"Bella, can you remember what happened?"

"It was after the shift, I went for drinks. Then I went home. I couldn't sleep so I went for a walk, yes? Or was it a run? No, I definitely walked."

Nick nodded encouragingly, he knew what it was like trying to piece together memories.

"I had a headache and- Oh god I am so stupid." Bella could remember clearly now, how on earth she had managed to mistake lithium carbonate for paracetamol she didn't know.

"You didn't take it on purpose, did you?"

"No... I must have been really, really drunk."

"Your blood alcohol was impressive."

"You all thought I tried to kill myself, right?" Bella laughed. "If I actually wanted to die I would have done a better job of it."

"A combination of the alcohol and the low blood glucose caused the Lithium to have the adverse effect. Your brain started to swell, it was touch and go for a while. That's why you went into a coma."

"Are those my notes?" She gestured to the blue folder at the ended of the bed.

"Yes."

"You can give them to me or I can get up and get them."

Nick frowned but gave them to her anyway. "You should be resting."

"So should you, you've had an operation too."

Nick looked at his watch. "I should get going, I'm only supposed to leave for an hour at a time."

They said their goodbyes and Bella's doctor came into talk to her. He was a decent guy but he insisted that Bella spent the next two weeks in hospital. Reluctantly, she agreed.


	28. Unlikely Friendship

Bella woke at the sound of the door opening, expecting a doctor nurse or even Nick. She sat up. It was Ruth. "Ruth? Oh, wait, you work in neurosurgery now. Sorry I forgot."

Ruth looked awkward. "Actually I was here for a chat. Um."

There was a pregnant pause. Bella could see that Ruth wanted to say something, but was struggling to start the conversation. "Lets have a look at my scans then?"

Ruth smiled awkwardly. "I'm not actually on your case."

Bella shrugged. "I know, but no one else will let me see them."

Ruth obediently retrieved them from Bella's file and handed them to her. Bella nodded with thanks. "Swellings gone down, no soft tissue damage." She handed them back to Ruth. "So Dr Winters, what would be your recommendation?"

"Keep the patient in for observation for another 24hours then discharge with an out patients appointment."

"Technically correct, however I disagree. Patient is actually so bored that she might spontaneously combust. Boom. Can you some clothes from my bag and some discharge papers?"  
>Ruth frowned. "Dr Jordan-"<p>

"Call me Bella. I know that as a doctor you would have to recommend etc etc. bla bla bla. But I could really do with a coffee. I've seen nothing but these four walls for the last week, and no offence to who ever decorated it, they aren't exactly interesting. And I don't think I cancelled the milk." Bella stood up, grabbed her bag and gestured that Ruth should follow her. "Come on, I know a good coffee shop?"  
>Ruth looked reluctant. "I'm not sure-"<br>"Don't worry about it girl, I'm not going to tell on you to Scary Evans."  
>Ruth looked shocked. "Scary Evans?"<p>

"Never liked her attitude. Let's go."

.

.

Bella had quickly got changed into some leggings and a loose cardigan and managed to persuade Ruth to come for a coffee with her. The pair were sat in the corner of a small coffee bar on a quiet street in Clifton. It might go by relatively unnoticed by 95% of the city's population but it did serve the best coffee that Bella had ever tasted. Ruth seemed to share her opinion on this. "Bloody hell this is good." Ruth's saw Bella's amused face and remembered herself. "I mean, the coffee's nice."

Bella shrugged and the two continued with mildly inane chatter about nothing in particular. Bella had never really had much time for Ruth, she had decided from that first day when Charlie had shown herself, Ruth and Toby around the ED that Ruth was one of those snobbish cows. It wasn't often that Bella misjudged a character, but maybe she had been wrong about Ruth. She was a complicated person to get your head around, but underneath the tough outer shell there was actually an insecure, yet honest smile. Maybe that was what Jay saw in her. Ruth swallowed slightly. "You know it is hard coming back after-"

Bella shook her head. "You don't have to talk about this Ruth."  
>"I want to. I know you insist that you didn't commit suicide, but people think you did."<p>

Bella raised an eyebrow. "People?"

Ruth shrugged. "I'm naming no names."

"In the ED?"

"No, they've stuck by you. But the general opinion up on Neuro is that you-"

"Sarah Evans's opinion?"

"Not really."  
>"I would so love to get her for slander."<p>

"What did she do to make you dislike her?"

"Oh long story. Let's just say we've had a couple of professional disagreements over patient care. I think I can deal with hospital gossip Ruth. It's not like I haven't been subject to it before. The ex-junkie prostitute with mental health issues, who just happens to the long lost daughter of Nick Jordan."  
>Bella and Ruth both laughed. Ruth had a nice laugh, Bella wasn't sure she had ever heard it before. Ruth picked up her coffee cup again. "I'm just saying, if you ever need to talk or-"<p>

Bella smiled. "Thank you Ruth, really."

And so the strange friendship was born. When Bella went back to work she, much to Jay's delight, made an effort to understand and include Ruth. And it turned out that they were actually quite similar people. So, much to the rest of the staffs bemusement, Bella and Ruth could often be seen taking a coffee break together, occasionally with Polly, discussing anything from patients to the latest fashion trends. Bella even persuaded Ruth to let her hair down and come for a drink with the her.

* * *

><p>I want to say a massive thanks to Elly and Tilda who inspired me to knuckle down and actually finish this chapter. More coming soon :)<p> 


	29. Lies and Emergencies

Bella, May and Lenny were racing down the corridors on wheelchairs. Bella knew that as a senior member of staff she should be setting an example but she was bored and wheelchair races were a part of initiation into working at hospital. So really she was educating them, just not in anything medically useful. Bella had managed to steal the fastest chair and had been in first place. Lenny overtook her on the corner and collided into Adam. "Whoa whoa, watch the shins their fella." Bella pulled her wheelchair to a halt, knowing that Adam probably wouldn't mind. The E.D was quiet and Bella had been working hard. Lenny stood up quickly and attempted to pretend that he'd been pushing the wheelchair all along. Bella smiled. "Nothing on the board."

Adam shook his head. "Come on May, you can do better than that. Their chairs were faster, much less drag. Alternatively you could be using some of this extra time to study, although Bella probably doesn't need too."  
>Bella smiled. "I'm going to exit quickly before you suggest-"<p>

"How about you-"

Tess pulled interrupted what would have been a suggestion that Bella teach the F2s something. "Adam, Bella, over here."

She nodded. "What is it?"

"PV bleed."

They followed her into resus. Adam nodded. "PV bleed should be pretty straight-forward then."

Tess looked grave. "It's Ruth."  
>Adam and Bella both stopped simultaneously. "Ruth?"<p>

Tess repeated herself. "It's Ruth."

Adam looked at Bella. "What?- Did she even say-"

The doors of resus opened and Ruth was pushed in by Jeff and Dixie. Bella grabbed Ruth's arm. "Can we get some screens up. Cross-match for blood and ffp."

Ruth pulled the O2 mask off. "Don't let anyone see."

"I won't, it's just me, Adam, Tess and an agency nurse, okay?" Bella put the O2 mask back on Ruth's face. "Just relax, we can be the doctors here."

Ruth grabbed the corner of Bella's scrubs. "I took the abortion pill. Um, mizoprostil. Last week, I haven't told anyone."

"Hey, shh. It's okay, the surgeons will have to know."

"Can you tell them?"

Bella nodded. Poor Ruth.

"Not Adam. Don't tell-"

"It's okay, I won't."

"You need to understand. I didn't have any other option."

Bella took Ruth's arm. "It's okay, I get it."

The doors burst open and Jay came running in demanding to see her. Ruth tensed as Adam attempted to stop him bursting through. "Please, he can't know-"

"Ruth-"

"Bella. Don't tell him."

Bella nodded again. "I promise."

Tess attempted to placate Jay. Bella winced at the pain in her friends voice, but she had promised Ruth, and that was that.

.

.

.

When Bella had finished her shift she went up to see Ruth. She was awake. "You came?"

"Returning a favor Ruth. You were the only one from the ED who visited me while I was actually conscious, other than Nick."

"You're my first visitor other than my consultant."

"Jay and Tess have both been up."

"Mmphh."

"How are you feeling mate?"

"How do you think?"

"Fair dos. But it has to be asked though?"

"Rubbish."

"Do you want anything?"

"I'm fine thanks."

"I doubt that."

"I will be fine."

"And Jay?"

Ruth shook her head. "He can't know. You understand, right?"

"I understand. I've, I took an abortion pill when I was what, 15. Hazard of the profession. But I never over it properly, and- What I'm trying to say is that you should talk to someone. Like a professional someone." Bella could see from the look on Ruth's face that idea wasn't popular. "Just think about it, okay? I've got to go, but I'll be back tomorrow."

Ruth nodded hesitantly and Bella got up to leave. She was just at the door when Ruth said, "Bella?"

"What?"

"Thank you."

"Anytime Ruth. Anytime."


	30. Anytime

Bella Jordan was walking with her father, Nick Jordan, up to the doors of the ED. He was walking with the aid of a stick, he refused to let her help him out. He was listening to the ipod she had given him for his birthday last year. Bella stopped. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

Nick pulled the headphones out of his ears and went to buy a poppy from the British Legion Charity Worker who was standing on the corner of the road. He gave a small shrug."You came back sooner after-"

Bella raised her eyebrows. "I didn't have brain surgery."

"You were in a coma, do you want a Poppy?"

"Stop changing the subject, and I've already got one. It was a drug induced coma anyway."

"Nick?" It was Zoe.

Bella smiled. "Hey Zo."

"How are you?

Nick frowned. "Let's not get into pleasantries."

Zoe ignored him. "I was worried-"

Nick shook his head. "I made it clear, I don't want you anywhere near me."

Zoe nodded looking slightly hurt. "So why are you here?"

Bella was confused. Why was Nick so annoyed at Zoe? Yet another thing she had completely missed.

"To hand in my locker key. And then a long and happy retirement."

Bella rolled her eyes. "He insisted."

"Enjoy your retirement."Zoe gave Nick a hurt look and then walked away.

Bella straightened Nick's poppy. He protested. "I can do that."

"I know, what's the deal with Zoe? That was a bit harsh."

Nick frowned. "She forged the signature on my consent forms."

Bella raised her eyebrows. "What?"

"I'm sorry."

Bella swallowed. She struggled to keep her face neutral, she probably owed Zoe a lot more than she had realized previously. She made a mental note to buy her a drink, or several. Nick was frowning slightly and Bella was yet again faced with the fact that he really hadn't wanted to live. "Nick..."

"I didn't want this. I'm a doctor, not some old man that people can feel sorry for."

"You don't have to do this. I can 'hand in the bloody locker key'."

"You know that's not why I am here."

"You could do so much, you could teach, research, anything."

"I'm being a selfish again, aren't I?"

"I think you're probably entitled to a bit of selfishness every now and again."

"I'll see you in there. You're already late."

"Adam's given up on telling me to be on time."

"Sorry."

"No- I like looking after you." Bella had refused to let Nick shut himself away and had been looking after Nick. It had required extreme stubbornness on Bella's behalf, coupled with emotional blackmail and just plain pigheadedness. But the arrangement worked. Nick got to check up on Bella, and Bella got to look after Nick.

.

.

.

Bella passed Lenny, May, Yuki and Zoe on the way out of resus. Adam looked stressed. "Bella late again."

"I would say sorry it won't happen again, but it will so I'll just skip that bit."

Adam shook his head, but Bella was a really good mate. "We're two doctors down and Zoe is a car-crash today."

Bella wasn't going to comment, she owed Zoe a lot more than she would ever admit. "What have we got?"

Adam lowered his voice. "Torrential vascular bleed and Yuki's just gone and announced that he has Hep C in front of the girlfriend. Zoe's had an epi and I sent everyone out."

"Oh. How about I take over elevation and you can handle fluids?"

Adam smiled, although Bella was chaotic and unreliable she was a brilliant doctor and completely unflappable in a crisis. "Thank you."

"Anytime boss." Bella seemed to be saying that a lot lately.

.

.

.

**Sorry for the delay, please review :) Really couldn't do it without you guys xx**


	31. From Joy

Sorry about the wait- lots of exams this week but updates should pick up again. I'm having a bit of writers block over the next part of the series, Causualty at the present time is so good that I keep on writing Bella bits for then. Let me know if you have any good ideas, I'm struggling. This chapter, and the next few chapters, will be based on Jess+Adam's wedding, and the resulting catastrophe. I'm not sure how much sense this will make if you haven't watched the episode, but it is really all I can do in the time I have at present. I guess it's not essential, but it might be useful to read a plot summary ( archive?) as I wrote this assuming the reader would have watched it. May redo chapter this later. Anyway, it's one of the best storylines and I would thoroughly recommend watching it (it's on readily available on youtube or various other places) Cheers, Em xxx

Bella was waiting with Charlie in the ED. Noel put a poster on the wall. He was advertising a boys 5 a side football team. Charlie smiled. "Boys? You know what you've got there, a sexual discrimination case coming right at you."

Noel shook his head. "But girls hate football Charlie?"

Bella laughed. "If I wasn't wearing a dress... I could take you any day Noel Garcia." She had selected a short, tight dress with mesh lace on the sleeves.

"You?"

"I used to captain the women's squadie team." She winked at Charlie. "But if you don't want me then-"

Adam came through the doors of the Ed clutching his shoes, suit and hastily explaining to Jessica that he really wouldn't be late on the telephone. Bella grinned, "You're gonna be late." 

She laughed along with the rest of the staff as a fake policewoman attempted to arrest him. She dragged him away and Charlie went to get the car. "Adam?"

"What?"

"You have vomit on your shoes. Jesus mate, this is your wedding."

"I know, I know. You got a tissue?"

Bella rolled her eyes and handed him a packet of wet-wipes. "We're going to be late. You know, Jess made me wait in the ED so that I could get you here on time. She is going to kill me." 

Charlie was complaining. "I don't know how you do it. If I get stopped for speeding, I get a ticket. If I'm with you I get a police escort."

"I guess some of us have got it and some of us don't."  
>Bella laughed as Charlie grinned. She jumped out of the car and took Harry off of Tess. "I did try?"<p>

She took her place at the front with Tess and attempted to keep Harry quiet during the service. Her phone went off. She hissed. "Tess, minibus RTC. I have to go. Henry wants him to come too. He can't go, can he?" She handed Harry to Tess and stood up.

Adam stopped during the vows. "Sorry. What is it?"

Bella shrugged at Jess, who looked furious. Tess nodded. "Minibus RTC. There's no senior cover. Zoe's struggling."

Adam kissed Jess, apologizing profusely and followed Bella out. Bella turned around. "What the hell Adam?"

"Have you got a car?"

"Are you- No I haven't. I'll take Polly's, she can get a lift."

Bella nudged Charlie, "Take 2." She clapped her hands like a snapper-board and the chaplain began. Jess had put her wedding clothes back on but Adam was still in scrubs. She smiled and took Harry from Adam. The show will go on.

Bella set off on her motorcycle. She was going to go with Alice and Polly, but they were going to go and get changed- they'd both word the same dress, and everyone else had organized taxi's. Bella thought she might as well take her bike, she wasn't going to be drinking and she'd already changed out of her dress. She was pretty sure she was lost, she had taken what she had thought was a short cut. She stopped her bike and turned it around. This road looked far to small and unpromising. She rounded the corner, slower than usual because the bit of the road was really icy and watched in horror as a car nearly collided with the car she was behind. The car skidded onto the ice, she only just managed to avoid it. It flew off of the road and onto the lake. Her heart sunk, she recognized the car. It was Adams. She attempted to pull her bike to a halt, but she was too late. She skidded sideways and smashed into the opposite of the road. She lost consciousness as soon as the bike hit the ground.


	32. And Hope?

Nice long one because I love you guys so much :P xx E

* * *

><p>She sat up groggily. Someone was calling her name. It was little Lucas. "Auntie Bella. Bella. Wake up. Please." She opened her eyes and did a quick self-assessment. Small laceration to forehead, no bones broken. What had- Bella quickly remembered what had happened. She looked out across the lake, the car was sinking. She handed Lucas her phone. "Lucas honey, I know you're scared, but it's really important that you do this. I'm going to give you my phone, I want you to call 999, ask for a fire engine and tell the operator what has happened. And then I want you to run up the road and flag down the next car that passes by. Charlie Fairhead, or someone else from the hospital, will be coming along this road soon." She gave him the phone and he nodded bravely. "Can you do that?"<p>

"Yes. Where are you going?" Bella looked out across the water, Adam was calling to her. "I'm going for a swim, but don't worry about me." Lucas looked freezing. Bella pulled off her motorcycle jacket and gave it to him. "Put it on. And go, hurry."

Lucas nodded and dialed 999. Bella began to crawl across the ice. "Adam?"

A voice echoed across the ice from the open car door. "Bella? Bella. It's Bella, we'll be okay. Just get the kids out Bella!"

Amelia was crawling out of the car, but she had hurt her arm. Bella got on her hands and knees. "Come one Amelia, crawl to me." They got Amelia out but as Jess tried to get out of the car with Harry the car tipped, the door shut and the car began to sink. Amelia screamed, and Bella put her down on the bank. "Stay here Amelia, promise?"

Amelia nodded. "Be brave." Bella crawled closer to the car, but the ice was beginning to crack. "Adam! JESS!" No reply. Bella began to pray, something that she swore she would never do again, silently promising God anything that was in her power to give as she crawled across the ice.

She reached the car just as it went under. She swore. But Lucas had come back with Jeff. "Jeff, can you ring Tess, Nick, Zoe anyone. The fireguys should be on their way."

Jeff cupped his mouth in his hands and shouted. "Bella, please don't tell me you're-"

But Bella had already taken her shoes off. Pretending not to hear his protests, she dived into the freezing cold water holding one of her boots in her hand. It was heeled with a steel toe. Maybe she'd be able to hit the glass. She reached the car, everything was so much harder underwater, and began to hit at the front window. Her head was really beginning to hurt. The last thing she remembered was a smash and a searing pain in both her arms.

.

.

.

Jeff stood anxiously at the edge of the hole in the ice. Adam emerged dragging Bella and Jess up with him. Jeff pulled Bella up onto the side. She pushed him off her. "Get Jess." Although Bella was barely conscious and had cut her arms pretty badly she was doing a lot better than Jess who looked almost dead. Jeff began to quickly check her over. Adam coughed. "Harry. I have to go back."

Jeff shook his head. "I'll go."

"No, no, no. Stay with Bella, you need to be able to pull them out."

Adam dived back down underwater. Jeff was helping Adam with Harry and Charlie seemed to have appeared from nowhere. She stood up and insisted on helping with Jessica but Charlie pulled her off. "Bella you have a bloody head injury and blood pouring down your arms. Get in the ambulance."

.

.

.

Adam was pushing the trolley with Jessica on, shouting out her obs with a frantic expression on his face. Bella was stubbornly walking with Harry's trolley, supported by Charlie and Jeff. She and Adam had both got changed and she had her arms wrapped in bandages. The wounds wern't too deep and Charlie had pulled most of the glass out but Bella had still lost a lot of blood. Nick grabbed her before she could go into resus. "Bella what the hell?"

"I went for a swim, you couldn't get me some shoes from my locker-" She pressed some keys into his hand and attempted to follow Adam into resus. Charlie was not amused. "You're both as bad as each other. You've got hypothermia. You need treatment." But neither doctor would listen. They both went in, along with Zoe. Zoe had been drinking. Great. Bella hissed to her under her breath. "How much have you had?"

"Just keep an eye on me, and I'll keep an eye on you."

"Okay."

Zoe started, "I wanna BM, full blood count, U's and E's, LFTs-" She paused so Bella finished the sentence for her.

"Clotting, formal glucose, cross match two units and mobile chest x-ray stat."

Zoe added. "He needs a cappiler-" She looked like she was going to faint. She apologized and ran out. "I'm sorry Adam, really." Adam was too worried and stressed to care. He was going back and forth between Jess's bed and Harry's shouting instructions.

May handed her a stethoscope. She shook her head and gave it to Tess. "My arms are useless. Sorry Tess, you're going to have to be my hands. He needs a capillary blood gas, I'll talk you through it."  
>"Bella you really shouldn't-"<br>"I'll tell you if I'm going to pass out again, I'll have a CT when he's stable and then you can look at my arms. If I feel ill then I'll go, but I'm fine now. And I'm the best you've got on offer."

Tess nodded, for the sake of Jessica and Harry she would let Bella risk her own safety.

Harry stabilized to a position that wasn't ideal but it was better. His temperature was rising and although his BP was low, it would probably come up. Bella relaxed slightly but now the adrenaline had stopped pumping she was beginning to tire. "Tess?"

"Yes?"

"You got a-a-one of those-those- you know- um. I know this. A-one of- eurgh"

"Bella?"

Bella sat down on a bed. "I'm fine, I'm just going to sit for a bit."

Tess shook her head, "Out."  
>"But-"<p>

"You promised the moment you felt off you'd stop."

Bella shook her head and slowly walked out of resus. She was pestered by Noel, Big Mac, Jeff, Dixie and Alice for news but she just shook her head. She noticed Nick pacing up and down. "Oi Nick."  
>He hurried over. "Bella are you okay?"<p>

"Just need someone to-"

He grabbed an empty cubicle and began to examine her. He called Alice, who was looking like she need a distraction, into the cubicle and she began to sort out Bella's arms. She went for a scan, which came back clear, and it was only then that Nick allowed her to get up from the bed. Nick went to leave.

Bella turned back and followed him. "Where are you going?"

"I told you, I've got a plane to catch. I'll call later-"

"I seriously don't believe you. These are your friends, you can't just call later to see if they're still-"

"It's not as if I can do anything, is it?"

"Oh that's it then. If Nick Jordan isn't center of attention then he can't cope with it. He has to run away and find more people to admire him and look up and make him cups of coffee and pay him ridiculous amounts of money."

Nick shook his head. "Look I'm sorry but I have to-"

Bella shook her head. "I though you had changed, with the whole admin job thing, but no, I was wrong. You're still the same old selfish bastard. I don't want to hear it." Bella shook her head. "I'm ashamed to even-" And then she stormed back into the hospital and into resus.

.

.

.

And it turned out she was needed. Adam was attempting to intubate Harry. She took over from May in assisting, ready to step in if necessary. Her hands were swollen but the worst of the cuts had been stitched up and morphine was taking care of the pain. She could almost hold them steady. She checked for equal air entry with a stethoscope. "Tubes in the right place, stats are up, temps are up. Can you put him in for a CT scan Tess? Ad, you should probably-"

"No, no, I'm good. Thank you Bells."

Bella and Tess shook their heads.

Bella was checking over Jess, who wasn't doing to good. "Her temps up, but not enough. 28.9, she's serious risk of arrest. The-"

Adam was desperate. "It's still come up right, I know it's not much b-b-but-"

Henry intervened. "The increase is too slow. The peritoneal lavage just isn't working. It's soon going to effect her heart."  
>Bella looked up. "What about-"<p>

Adam interrupted. "Let's go for plural lavage-"

Henry shook his head. "She's suffered two much trauma, it's just not work messing around with tubes in her chest for the sake of 1 degree an hour."

Charlie tried to reason with Adam. "She's at serious risk of arrest from VF."

Adam shook his head. "Right, get me 2 size28 chest drains, Dr Lions, Dr Phelps-"

Bella interrupted, "Lenny, May stay where you are-"

"Bella, she needs-"

"You heard Henry, it isn't worth the risk of her arresting. And besides you know that we can't do it and the F2s have only seen it done on-"

Yuki interrupted. "I've just been on the phone to the cardiology registrar and they're in the middle of a grand round."  
>Bella swore and then hastily apologized to Henry.<p>

Adam walked across resus. "What, Yuki what do you mean? Yuki have you told them? Yuki-"

Yuki nodded hastily and Bella tried to calm Adam down. "Easy Adam mate, he did."

"No no no." Adam turned to Henry. "Henry, you go up and you tell them what is going on."

Charlie tried again. "Alright, alright."

Adam shook his head. "This is not happening, this is not happening. None of you are helping me, none of you. I will do this myself." Adam marched out of resus.

Bella followed quickly. "Adam mate, calm down."

Charlie attempted to catch up. "Listen to me, you've had hypothermia, you're weak, you're not thinking straight."

Adam roared, not caring that the whole of the ED were looking. "Leave me alone, I am trying to help my wife."

Bella stood between him and the lift. "If you run in like this, they're just going to-"

"Let them."

"You need treatment."

"No Bella, no. Because you'll take me through to cubicles and go back in there without me and then you'll come back half an hour later with someone else, I'm very very sorry Adam _mate, _we did all we could. I know the drill-"

"We all care about Jess Adam, and we all want her to be okay, which is why I'm not letting you storm up there and-"

"I've been there I know it by heart. We must never give up-"

Charlie helped Bella pull Adam away from the lift. Charlie tried to reason with him again. "We're not saying give up, I just need to treat you."

"Don't push me Charlie, I'm telling you don't push me."

Bella answered for Charlie. "No, you're not going in the lift."

Adam was only momentarily deterred. "Fine, I'll take the bloody stairs."

"Adam please-"

"Stay away, I'm telling you-" And then Adam collapsed into Nick Jordan's arms. Bella smiled.

.

.

.

Nick, Adam and Bella were discussing Jess's options. Bella and Adam were perched on a bed and Tess was attempting to treat Adam. "She keeps having arrhythmia's, but with her temperature under 30 degrees, if she goes into VF-"

Bella finished the sentence. "Defibrillators won't work.  
>Adam was racking his tired, stressed and worn out brains. Must be something else, something I haven't thought of. I dunno, left fields, think think think-"<p>

Bella looked at Nick, he was thinking. Suddenly he stood up. "There is one thing we can do."

Adam looked up hopefully.

"We can put her on cardiac bypass, it's the only way to get her core temperature up in time. I have seen it done once before for profound hypothermia."

Bella bit her lip. "Did it work?"

"That's beside the point, but I think you need to give yourself the chance."  
>Tess was concerned. "She'd have to go up to Darwin for that, wouldn't she?"<p>

Nick nodded and then shook his head. "Yes but she's too unstable to be moved, it could tip her into cardiac arrest. You'll have to go up, find one of the CT team who is prepared to come down and do it here."

Tess nodded. "It's worth a try, I'll go now."

Adam looked at Bella but she shook her head. "Tess will you get Henry in here please?"

Nick hissed at them both. "No."

"Why not?"

"I can't."

"You could try? Bella could assist-"

Bella held up her bandaged hands. "Now you are being ridiculous. I can just about hold a stethoscope but not a scalpel. This is Jess we're talking about here, I don't want to have to take that kind of risk."

Nick shook his head. "No. No way. Forget it."

Adam was pleading with Henry. "What, am I the only one who sees we have a cardio surgeon right here."

Nick shook his head. "Don't look at me, this is not my idea. I think it's mad."

Henry frowned at Adam. "You're not serious, are you?"

Tess came in. "I did try, but I can't get anyone in Darwin. They're back to back in theater."

Adam look desperate. "I don't get it, what other option do we have?"

Bella interrupted. "We wait for someone else to come down."

Henry agreed. "He is no longer employed by the trust. He is not allowed to treat."

Adam looked a Bella. "He treated you."

Bella shook her head. "Yes, but he didn't perform heart-surgery did he, just put some bandages around my hands. And Alice did most of that."

Henry folded his arms. He didn't like were this was going. "Do you expect me to let him run an operation in here, let alone one that carries so much risk?"

Adam stood up imploring Henry to listen. "Henry, this is Jessica?"

Nick was getting frustrated now, "You've been fighting to protect patients from me, you didn't even want me in there earlier."

"Well I was wrong."

"Look, I want to help, but I am not safe to practice. You're not thinking straight."

"Look it should be my decision. Only mine. I'll sign a waiver, I'll sign anything you want me too."

Henry shook his head. "That is not the issue."

"I don't get it Nick, what is wrong with you? All those times when you through the rule book out the window and now when it comes down to it-"

"Adam. I am no longer a doctor."

"You can st-stop being a doctor tomorrow." Adam's voice broke. "Please. It's my wedding."

Bella knew what had to be done and she hated the idea of it. She knew that the only way that Nick would do anything to protect her and she also knew how to manipulate him. "I'll do it."

Everyone looked at her.

"If I take the bandages off and wrap my arms in burns pads I can do the operation, with gloves and pain relief." She looked at Nick, knowing that he would now offer to do it to save her from having to do it, Bella wasn't a heart surgeon. She hated having to manipulate the fact that Nick cared about her, but for Adam and Jessica she would.

Nick shook his head. "Bella, you haven't done a cardiac bypass before."

Bella shrugged. "I did once, about 6 years ago. Unsuccessful, but I'm not being shot at this time. "

Nick shook his head. "No. I'll do it."

.

.

.

Bella was assisting, with the F2s. Nick made the incision and the operation went fine until it came to making the incision. "Bella I can't grip it."

Henry was acting as anesthetist. "You've opened her up, you have to-"

Bella took the scalpel, her hands were stinging and the morphine was beginning to wear off. She tried desperately to pretend it wasn't Jess, but it was. "You're going to have to guide me, it's been a while."

Nick nodded. "Locate the aorta, steady, yes."

Bella did as he said, humming the Last of the American Girls as she did it. One of the army surgeons had taught her it as a way to relax. She made the cut. "Suction Yuki."

Nick smiled. "Let's insert the aortic cannula please, tighten the per-strings and then we'll attach onto bypass. Well done, Dr Jordan." It was just as they put her on bypass that the monitors began to bleep. Bella tensed, nearly dropping the scalpel, if something was wrong she wasn't sure she could hold her hands steady enough to do something about it. It was a tense moment but the bypass machine began to do it's job. She allowed herself a small smile. "Get Adam for me, I think I need a coffee."

* * *

><p>This chapter showed a side of Bella which isn't so nice, and it also showed my stunning ability to waffle and ramble but I hope it makes sense and you don't get too lost. I've only got one more chapter written, and then I have a gap up until the Holby shootings. I'm going to have a think about where I'm going next, so it maybe a little while before I update again. Things are pretty crazy in real life at the moment and it's so difficult to write if your head isn't quite straight. I just want to take this opportunity to thank you guys for your continued support, if I hadn't been getting the reading stats that I continually get and the reviews I would have given this up a long time ago. Please barebeer/bear (I can't work out which way to spell it- none of them look right ? I think bear, right?) with me, I will update as soon as I can. I love Bella as a character and I really do enjoy writing this. Thank you, thank you, thank you :) Please review, message me, whatever- I'm always listening. E xx


	33. There Will Always Be Death

Sorry Guys- I've had a week of- Yeah, we'll just skip the profanities. Sorry I've skipped most of the details in this chapter, the storyline runs a little to close to home. I'll try and get you another update of Tuesday but I'm not making any promises- I've got an AS level on Tues morning and I haven't actually revised anything yet, but ho hum. :) Thanks to all my lovely readers, I'll try and have a longer chapter up next.

* * *

><p>Bella was waiting with Harry and Adam. "Bella."<p>

"Mmmhm."  
>"Thank you for today."<p>

"Anytime."

"No, I know what you did with Jordan, and if it wasn't for you we wouldn't have-"

"It's okay Adam. Really."

"You want some pizza?"

"No, I don't eat pepperoni or whatever it is."

"Oh yeah."

"I'll wait with Harry, why don't you see the kids?"

Adam nodded and smiled. "Yeah okay."

.

.

She watched out of the window of HDU as Adam talked with the team, had a piece of pizza and relaxed. Then Harry's monitor began a high-pitched bleeping. It took her exactly half a second to react. She nodded to the anesthetist who began CPR and called for some help. Tess, Charlie, Adam and Henry came running. The rest of the team waited outside. "BP's hit the floor, pulse is un-recordable."

Bella grabbed Adam's arm as Henry examined him. "It must be a circulation problem, he's bleeding somewhere. His abdomen is rigid, becoming distended."

Adam's face fell. "No, it can't be. Everything was fine. I was-"

Tess pulled Adam away. "Come on, let them work."

Charlie was watching the monitor's intently. "He's in PDA arrest."

Bella and Adam watched as Henry started compressions with one finger and Tess had the resp-bag and Charlie got adrenaline. They worked for 40 minutes, each taking a turn on CPR, but it was no use. Henry knew it was no use, and although Adam pleaded with him, they had to stop. Bella watched as Adam turned the monitor off and began to sob. She rubbed his back gently, but nothing she, Charlie or Tess could do would make it better.

.

.

Nick found her curled up in the corner of the staffroom, fiddling with the bandages on her hands. He came and sat down next to her. "You know, you could sit on a chair. It won't bite."

Bella shook her head, "Always hated chairs. I can't even remember why now. The floor feels safer."

"You're safe here."

"Am I? Yesterday I would have said that Jess and Harry were safe too."

Nick didn't reply.

Bella stopped fidgeting and turned to look at him. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I called you a selfish bastard, then I said I was ashamed of you and then I pretty much put you in an impossible position over the operation with Jessica."

"Already forgiven and forgotten." Nick could sense that Bella was trying to blame herself. "Nothing today was your fault."

"Really? Adam pulled me out before Harry because I had to be a big idiot and punch my hands through a glass window-"

"He wouldn't have got out at all if it wasn't for you breaking the glass."

"And I was the doctor with Harry when he arrested, I could have checked his abdomen again, I should have-"

"We both know that everyone did their best under the circumstances today. You kept your cool better than anyone today and you were suffering from hypothermia, you had mild concussion and half a glass window in your arms. You performed Heart Surgery."

"I performed heart surgery with numb, shaking hands. I could have easily killed Jessica. And-"

"You did everything that could be done."

"But Harry still died. There must have-"

"You know that this isn't going to help anyone. Come on, I'll call a cab."

Bella stood up reluctantly, but her head was throbbing and her arms were stinging and she really wasn't in the mood to argue. Nick picked up her bag and together they hobbled out of the ED. It was oddly quiet, even the patients seem to have picked up on the sombre mood. It was going to be a long week.


	34. Things That Cannot Be Said

Just the usual- sorry for the delay, love you all, please read and review and I hope you enjoy. E xxx

* * *

><p>"<em>We've set up a tape recorder in the staffroom so that you can all record your messages for Jessica."<em>

Bella stared at the offending white object. She pressed the red circle and then unpressed it. She couldn't think of anything to say.

_Hey Jess. I'm really sorry about-_

_Jessica. I cannot even begin to express my guilt ab-_

_Jess. Jess. Jess. Why does crappy stuff always happen to the best of people. It was your wedding day for christsake-_

Everything that Bella could think of saying felt like a lie. Adam had asked that they didn't mention Harry. But how could Bella 'leave a message' without mentioning him. Harry. Bella place her head in her hands. It had been all her fault. If Adam hadn't pulled her out before Harry then he might still be alive today. How on earth could Bella ever look Jess in the eye ever again? How could she pass her the notes for a patient, share gossip over a cup of coffee, go out for a drink, smile as they passed in the corridor or even just think about Jess? Things would never be the same.

_Hey Jess. Get well soon. I miss you. I'm sorr-_

_Jess. It's Bella. I hope you get well soon. _

_Jess, it's Bella. If you can even hear me-_

What if Jess never woke up? What if she arrested right now? She could have arrested already, it's not like Bella had been to see her. She wasn't sure if she could cope with the still form of Jess, lying there covered in tubes. She saw Harry every time she closed her eyes. Bella berated herself. She was a doctor. She saw people unconscious all the time, people died all the time, even good people died. Bella didn't want to face Jessica, but she really really really didn't want Jess to die. She would do anything.

_Hey Jess, I'm just leaving a message-_

_Jessica, it's Bella, remember- _

_Jess, it's Bella. I'm keeping an eye on Adam for you, he's pretty cut up about H-_

Poor Adam. God, she wasn't sure that Adam could take it if Jessica didn't make it too. He was worrying her. Stony silences and one word answers. It wasn't the grief that she was worried about, Adam could deal with grief, it was the guilt. He would blame himself. He blamed himself for Alex, and nearly went off the rails because of it, Bella had to make sure that he wouldn't blame himself for what happened for Harry. Even if it meant that Adam had to blame her instead.

_Hey Jess, it's-_

Bloody hell, why couldn't she think of something to say? She was never normally short for words. But every thing that came to her head seemed fake and empty. She could just say nothing, but then Jess would know that something was up. If patients in a coma could even hear what people were saying. She always told her patients that it helped, even if she didn't really believe it herself. Could she remember hearing things when she was unconscious? Bella wasn't sure if she had just imagined it. There was a ridiculous amount of research on it, Bella had looked it up last night when she was trying to sleep. There was an equal amount of studies that concluded on either side of the argument. Bella sighed, she had to say something, anything, even if there was only a small chance that it would help Jessica.

The door opened. It was Charlie. "Are you okay?"

Bella nodded at the tape recorder. "I'm having trouble talking to a white object."

"Then you should go up and see her."

Bella shook her head and gestured that Charlie should sit next to her.

"Why not? Adam won't mind."

"Jess might."

"She is unconscious Bella, and she would want you to be there anyway. You're her friend. Best friend."

Bella still shook her head. "Not anymore."

Charlie looked puzzled. "Since when?"

"It was my fault Charlie, Adam pulled me out before Harry. Do you think she'd want to see me if she knew that?"

Charlie frowned. "Don't be ridiculous."

"I'm not being ridiculous. Can you honestly say that there won't be a small part of Jess that blames me for what happened? Harry was her son, and I good as nearly took that from her."

"You have no way of telling that Harry would have survived, even if Adam had found him first. Jess is a good person, she won't blame you."

"I blame me Charlie. And I'd rather she blamed me than Adam."

Charlie frowned again. "You've got to stop thinking like this-"

"I know. Harry is dead. Jess is lying in a coma and I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself."  
>"I didn't mean it like that. And you were involved in the accident too-"<p>

"I know you didn't mean it like that. I'm being a wimp." Bella never could stand people who wallowed in their own misery and really hoped that she wasn't going to start making a habit of it. _Buck your ideas up girl and get on with it. _Bella smiled slightly and nodded at Charlie who had decided to leave her to it. Bella waited until he had left before pressing the red record button again and beginning to speak.

"_Jess, it's me. Bella. I just want you to know how much I'm thinking of you and how much I want you to get better. I really hope you can hear this, really I do. I'm going to go now, but hopefully you'll be awake soon and we can talk properly. Love you mate, don't you dare die on me."_

Bella smiled and pressed pause. She picked up her. stephscope, in fact she had taken to using Nick's, and got up. She smiled to herself. "Bring it on."


	35. Night On The Town

Polly bounced into the Doctor's office. She grinned. "Bella! I've just heard, they've extubated Jess, it looks like she's going to be fine!"

Bella smiled warmly. "That's great, thanks for letting me know."

"You aren't going up to see her?"

"Maybe later." Bella would make her peace with Jess, but right now she was really tired and had a pile of paperwork.

Polly grinned, even more than usual. "I've got to go."

Bella raised an eyebrow. "Hot date?"

Polly's smile fell slightly, something that would only be noticeable to someone who knew her well. "I'm meeting up with Alister."

Bella frowned. There was something about that guy that wasn't quite right.

Polly's smile fell completely this time. "What?"

"I just don't like him." And Bella wasn't normally wrong about guys.

"What don't you like about him?"

"He's needy to the point of obsessive, I dunno Poll, I'm probably just being paranoid. Have fun, yeah?"

Polly smiled again. "I will. See you later."

Bella stood up and gave Polly a hug. "I'll probably be here for the rest of the night, but I'll leave the door open if I get back before you."

"Okay dokey." Polly practically danced out of the room and Bella hoped that her reservations about Alastor were wrong.

.

.

Bella had tried to get her paperwork done, but her mind wasn't really on it. Her mind kept on drifting upstairs to Jessica. She thought about calling Adam, but he probably would want to spend his time with Jess and her kids. She rested her head in her hands, she was shattered but somehow every time she closed her eyes her mind went back to the lake. What she could have done, should have done, she really wished that she could take Charlie's advice and leave her past in the past. She shook her head and went to find someone to get drunk with.

Bella spotted Zoe putting her stuff into her locker. "Zoee."

"What?"

Bella gave her best pleading smile. "How do you feel like accompanying your free old friend in her mission to get absolutely pissed out of her mind tonight?"

Zoe laughed. "How have you even got a liver left woman?"

Bella stuck her tongue out. "You're the expert, you tell me."

Zoe smiled. "Ha Ha."

"So how about it?"

"I was hoping for a quiet one Bells."

Bella laughed. "Zoe, quiet night in. bloody hell. Can I rephrase my question?"

"You're going to anyway so I don't see why you ask."

"Fancy holding dear and old but utterly drunk friend hand as she vomits in the gutter and ensuring she doesn't go home with a creepy old man."

Zoe shook her head in mock retribution and then smiled. "Well if you put it like that..."

"Come on Zoe, I promise we won't talk about work or shit."

"Now that sounds like an offer I really cannot refuse."

Bella cocked her head. "Why, what's eating you?"

"I thought you just said we weren't going to talk about all the crap."

Bella raised an eyebrow, attempting to read her friends expression. "Man Problems?"

"You could say that."

"Well in that case I will leave you to sort that one out yourself. I have no problem with one if my best mates getting it off with my dad, I'd just rather not hear all the gory details."

Zoe imediately went on the defensive. "Who said anything about Nick?"

Bella laughed again."Your face did. Anyway, don't blame you, my mother always said he was a good shag, although that was 30 years ago."

"Bella!" Zoe did the math. "How old were you when this discussion took place?"

"I know, I was 4. My mother wasn't ever going to win responsible parent of the year. Bella frowned for a moment. At least I think I remember that conversation."

Zoe was concerned, Bella rarely mentioned her mother, in fact the only time she had ever mentioned her before was after consuming a huge quantity of alcohol. "I think you really do need a drink."

Bella nodded. "Yes. Meet you outside in 5?"

Zoe nodded and left Bella trying to shake the image of a young woman with wavy brown hair from her mind.

.

.

It was 3am and in the space of 4 hours Bella had consumed more alcohol that most people drank all week, if not month. She waved her hand in the air to order another.

Zoe was a lot more sober. "I think you've had enough."

Bella spun around, nearly bashing Zoe on the nose in the process. "Whaddya mean? I'm havin another, kay? Jus' one mor' for the road'. Thas' what the' say, right?"

Zoe shook her head firmly. "No more alcohol for you miss, I'm taking you home."

"Bu' we're havin' such'a good time yeah?"

Zoe helped Bella out of the door. "Come on, don't make me ring Nick?"

"I cou' tell 'im how much I love him, you cou' tell 'im too Zoe. That's sucha good idea y'know." Bella reached for her phone, but fortunately for Zoe she was way to drunk to take something out of her pocket.

Zoe hailed a taxi. "I really doubt that'll seem like such a good idea in the morning Bells. In the cab, try not to be sick."

"I'm not gonna be sick, I'm not tha' drunk Zoe."

Zoe shut the door of the cab. "I think you are." She leannt forward to the taxi driver. "Under the suspension bridge, it's one of those, right Bella?"

Bella was completely away with the fairies. "Wha's one of those?"

The taxi driver helped her out. "Leigh Road?"

Zoe nodded. "That's it, and then onto Broad Quay for me."

Bella nodded contentedly before falling asleep on Zoe's shoulder. Zoe sighed, she couldn't exactly complain, Bella had looked after her many times when Zoe had had too much. All the same, it was going to be a long taxi ride. Bella didn't normally throw up her drink but after the amount of alcohol she had tonight Zoe wouldn't be surprised.


	36. Blame Game

Bella slopped into the staffroom clutching a large Americano. She hadn't had a hangover like this in years. Charlie was on the phone to Louis. She ignored his disapproving look as she pulled out an aspirin.

Charlie finished his call. "Bella you look like-"  
>Bella finished her coffee. "Shut up. I'm just dehydrated. You guys coming to the footie tonight?"<p>

Charlie nodded.

"And Louis?"

"No idea."

"Teenage boys, eh?"

Jay was the next to arrive. He didn't look to good either. Bella assumed that he wasn't taking the Ruth thing too well.

Bella chucked her coffee cup in the bin. "I'm going to hook up to an IV saline line." She smiled at the look on Charlie's face. "Joke mate, joke."

.

.

Bella was casually flicking through one of the F2's medical dictionaries, trying to avoid having to treat patients. Noisy patients. Not that sitting on the nurses station was doing her headache much good either. Ruth was giving May yet another dressing down. "Why are you giving Mr Davis unnecessary radiation?"

"It looked like he had a fractured rib."

"And is proving or disproving this diagnosis going to change your treatment in any way?"

May hesitated. "No."

"No. Then don't send people for unnecessary X-Rays."

Bella rolled her eyes at Zoe. "I'll talk to her."

"Rather you than me." Zoe looked around. "Where's the third musketeer?"

Lenny shrugged.

Zoe smiled. "Pathetic. I thought F2's were supposed to work hard and play even harder."

Bella frowned. "Was he with us last night?"  
>"Only for a little bit. Do you not-" Zoe smiled. "To be honest I'm not surprised. You had enough to wipe anyone's memory."<p>

"It's not like Yuki."

"When I was an F2 I lived on 3 hours of sleep a day."

Nick joined the conversation. "Clearly not the case now." Nick had been reinstated as doctor.

Bella backed Zoe up. "At least she has a social life."

Nick frowned at Bella. "Are you okay?"

"Not you too. I've drunk more before, and I'm pretty sure you have too."

Nick shook his head. Bella noticed Adam walking through the E.D. He looked worse than she did. She jogged to catch up with him. "Adam, how's Jess?"

He shrugged. "Why don't you go and see for yourself, I'm sure she'd appreciate visitors."

Bella frowned. "Adam?" But he was in a world of his own. Bella shrugged. Jessica. She needed to see Jessica.

.

.

Bella was just about to ask Nick if it would be possible for her to take a break when she heard some raised voices coming from resus. It sounded like Ruth and May.

Nick frowned. "I'm busy right now, can you sort that?"

Bella nodded and pulled open the door, just in time to hear the end of their shouting match.

"I know you're only and F2 and you're still learning, but I have serious concerns about you Dr Phelps, you are way behind where you should be, now I am trying to mentor-"

Bella was just about to intervene when May finally snapped. Not that Bella blamed her, but in resus and in front of a patient was probably not the best place for it.

"Mentor me? Are you kidding? You may be a good doctor but you are completely cold hearted cow who gets a kick out of putting other people down."

A couple of months ago and Bella probably would have been agreeing with May, but Bella understood Ruth better now, perhaps even liked her. "May-"

"No. It's no wonder she doesn't have a boyfriend or a life outside this place. You're a freak-"

Bella winced. "May that's enough-"

"You're a controlling, repressed freak."

Bella stepped between them. "May that's enough. Take five or whatever, just cool off. Now." May gave one last scathing glare at Ruth before marching out. "Ruth. Go and get a coffee and then come back and sort out the shoulder. You need a break too."

"Bella-"

"Ruth, go please."

Ruth looked like she was going to say something, but left quietly instead.

Bella gave a quick assessment of the patient, he seemed stable. "Tess can you give the patient 10mls of medazilam diluted in normal saline and draw up 10mg of morphine, also diluted in saline. Dr Winters will be back to reset the shoulder. I've got somewhere to be? Can we get the oxygen and the monitoring on?"

Tess nodded.

Bella frowned. She was worried about Ruth.

.

.

.

It seemed like a long wait in the lift before Bella reached the ward which held Jessica. She waited at the door, summoning the courage to go in. She scolded herself, who was she kidding, Jess was her friend. She sat down and squeezed Jess's hand. "Jess."

"Bella..."

They sat in silence for a while.

"It's awful isn't it, waking up and finding out that life moves on."

Jess nodded. "You look like you've had one of those days."  
>"And one of those nights. You hardly look like ** yourself."<p>

"What happened then?"  
>"Well, Ruth and May had a bitch fight and somehow I ended up being the referee."<br>"Oh."  
>"Yeah..."<p>

"Are you okay? Sorry. That was a stupid question. I'm really sorry about- about Harry."

Jess gave Bella a vacant look. "I'm tired."

Bella nodded. "I'll come back later then."

Jess turned away. Bella didn't blame her. Bella didn't blame her one bit.


	37. Dear Readers,

Hi all, it's Emily.

Firstly I would like to apologise to you all for not updating this story sooner. It always annoys me greatly when people abandon stories mid-plot without any kind of explanation. I believe that as a writer you make a promise to your readers to deliver your stories, something which I am quite honestly crap at.

Now for the reason for my absence. The past 10 weeks have probably been both the worst and the best of my life. I don't want to go into detail,but I am happy to be alive right now, sitting on my garden swing, listening to The Velvet Underground, eating dark chocolate and watching my cat chase butterflies. I'm going to stop talking because I think I'm going to end up rambling, I'm running out of chocolate and laptop doesn't have much power left.

This brings me onto the purpose of me writing this letter, this story. I just don't have the inspiration at the moment to continue writing this. I also don't want to stop writing this story either, it's been a massively positive experience for me and I owe it to you guys, the readers. Without you A Doctor's Life never would have been written and I would like to thank you all for that, especially those who gave me constructive criticism in the form of reviews. Just because I am not going to continue in the writing of this storyline, it doesn't mean that a Doctor's Life is over. I have a vast amount of material, about 35,000 words, which is set from about half-way through series 25, all the way up to the present day. I am going to neaten this up, quite a lot of it is semi-drunken rambles and then post it as a new story, A Doctor's Life, part 2. I may one day come back to this storyline and complete it.

And that's just about all I have to say. A Doctor's Life, Part 2 should be up soon.


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